It’s only through the recovery from pain, that we find new resources within ourselves.
It’s only through making mistakes, that we know if we made the correct choices or not.
It’s only through the exploration of ourselves, when we hit the absolute bottom, that we know our true capabilities.
It’s only through exercising control, that we realise how much control over ourselves we really have.
Every time I’ve tried to lift myself in these past weeks, I’ve hit a certain high, only to come crashing back down again, to what seems as hard as ever. But thinking about it in the cold light of day, every time I hit the bottom again, it wasn’t as bad as the last time.
Sure, it hurt like fuck every time. I don’t think I’ve cried as much in my life as I have in these last four weeks. I’ve certainly never felt the energy physically drain from my body when yet another downward cycle was triggered. The combination of factors has, I have realised illuminated a lot to me about myself.
For example, I now realise I can happily maintain a range of lifestyles. With the strict proviso that I have a certain amount of stability in place. I need an active, money earning business or career which occupies my thoughts with purpose.
I need a stable environment, which I can call my own & has privacy. I need it to be secure, & not somewhere widely identifiable. Preferably inconspicuous & with a wide range of vision, but only from the inside. I also need to spend time outside in the countryside.
It’s very bad for me to stay in touch with someone who I break up with. Social media makes this far too easy now. It’s also very bad for me to have too much time on my hands alone, particularly when a tragic or depressing event has taken place recently.
It is however important for me to arrange to meet people, to spend time with proper friends, to take a holiday, travel or visit old friends.
I don’t need to be with someone. But I should not cast aside what make me happy, in fear of it ending one day or being hurt. I should not dismiss notions such as having a family because of the potential for it to one day go wrong. As the band Poison The Well once wrote;
The easy solution to this and everything else is to move on. It comes equipped with the last word.
Although the pain can be unimaginably bad, the thoughts of failure worse still & the prospect of having to feel that same feeling repeatedly with no better outcome ever coming, worse than all; we must not live our lives through fear.
During these last dark few weeks, I met with many people & it’s incredible how much you can learn during these times. Perhaps it’s because we are so low, we are desperately searching for anything that might bring us some release from the never ending pain & so, we actually really listen.
Perhaps it’s because of our desperation, we feel we no longer have to hide behind an ego & have nothing to lose. We sit there with others & open ourselves entirely, whereby they then feel compelled to share what they have previously learnt when they’ve been in similar situation. It’s surprising when you realise how many other people have been crushingly low. How many other people who have also seriously contemplated wildly drastic actions when they were where you are now.
Yet they are there now, sat in front of you & happy now. It shows you it’s possible to recover. It may take a long time, but it’s possible.
Regardless of how your own situation evolves, as long as you continue & don’t forget what you have learnt, you become stronger.
As I mentioned in the previous post, the world of relationships are now more at risk than ever. I see many men moving their families out to obscure places in the middle of nowhere to reduce the likelihood of their wives cheating or leaving them, putting them in isolation. I understand this.
But let’s not live our lives in fear. We should embrace everything life has to offer, & embrace every evolution of ourselves we discover along the way. Do anything, & it will never be an easy journey. But you must do everything to keep moving forward.
For me, I woke up yesterday & for some reason felt close to tears. That feeling lasted almost the whole day. But then something happened. I made the choice to fight through it, possibly inspired by the acting of the French actress Marion Cotillard in the Belgium film Two Days, One Night I’d watched the previous night; simply one of the greatest portrayals of the struggles of dealing with depression I’ve ever seen.
I found the most positive hardcore music I could find, with many songs I knew had given me strength. I made a list of all the things I had neglected during these last weeks & dealt with them all. Somehow, I’ve still managed to purchase another property, have several interviews with other companies, be made a job offer (in yes, the Americas – but not through my current consultancy), stay in good shape, organise a holiday & reforged bonds with good friends. All while being in another country & struggling with emotional trauma day in & day out.
At times, it’s much harder to see than others, even when things are good. We always have a choice.
I had a sometimes difficult but sometimes amazing life until now.
Don’t give up. I very almost did. And however things work out, I’m glad I didn’t.