Well then, here we are again. A turning point. A decision time. The opportunity to take action. But in many ways, when we have to deliberate a choice, in fact subconsciously the choice has already been made. We just fear the consequences if things don’t pan out as we expect.
My contract ends in December, in the most boring place I’ve ever visited or lived. I wondered if in fact I was to blame, by not being active enough given my new circumstances living with Main & so forth. After all, living with someone can often mean you become comfortable with that person somewhat.
Is that happiness? When you pretty much shun the outside world, after finding yourself in a situation which is comfortable?
I remember a friend of mine who treated his girlfriend pretty badly. I didn’t judge him for that, because frankly it kept her in check. She loved the drama & he supplied it. If he hadn’t, she would have created her own, & given irrespective of what power they command, that most women often resort to what’s between their legs, more often than not we know what that ultimately means.
I asked her once why she tolerated it; I mean this dude was on the Russian level pretty much. She said now they’d been together so long, he was more like family. She felt obligated to be with him; like a Stockholm syndrome affected, battered wife.
I wonder if people often just get to a point where due to age or the demands of modern life, simply ‘settle’ for what they currently have, & find ways to make it work.
Or is this in fact, just the lowering of our expectations of happiness? After disappointment to disappointment takes it cumulative toll, we eventually just begin to believe we’ve found our level.
Things are pretty good with Main now. We actually get on really well & have fun. But she’s made it clear she wants to settle down with kids & go the full hog.
I might ruffle a few feathers here, but in some ways I feel like having children is something to be done when you’re not in the process of trying to change your station. I also feel like when you have children, you lose drive & pretty much accept everything aside from them or supporting them as a lower priority.
Even artists don’t seem to have that same intensity, authentity or drive to their perfomances after having children.
The majority of people are obsessed with other people & particularly children. It’s almost as though children are exempt from any criticism & should you disagree that having children is the pinaccle of achievement in your life, a polite rebuke will see you dismissed as someone who hasn’t seen the light yet, while a strong direct criticism is completely taboo & could see you cast out of your social group entirely.
It may well be it could be the most rewarding experience of my life, but then I could also say the final orgasm I had when I fucked two women & then got a blowjob from my ex the same day, was possibly a life changing experience too. That’s when I realised how much of a high sex could give me; I genuinely felt as though I’d temporarily come close to another state then.
There’s still many things I want to do in life, such as acting, travelling & honestly; banging women from around the globe. Other things aside from working in a job I don’t like for the rest of my life for the sake of continuing my bloodline.
I’d also like to live my life genuinely, without having to hide things half the time, although I do appreciate this will always be the case even with a harem of women. The phone must be protected at all times. It’s the soul to be living a double life & honestly despite everything, Main doesn’t deserve that.
I can’t & shouldn’t do things I don’t feel naturally ready for. This is the time to test my limits & prepare my future, so I can make the right decision come 2016.