Once again, I haven’t been able to maintain my desire to at least weekly, publish a post. This time, it’s because I’m on holiday with Main, so I have the usual constrictions on being able to write but further multiplied by her being by my side almost all the time. Combine that with limited access to data & I’m rather screwed. Currently writing this as Main is asleep as we travel to the next destination. I’ll likely publish it in the depths of the night, as I wake up for the hundredth time as usual.
This is the first time I’ve been to Asia. I’m in what most people would consider one of the most developed countries in the area, & we’ve been travelling around the various cities by train.
The public transport here is superb. I haven’t seen a single train be late or cancelled the last five days I’ve been here. It’s a great way to get to even the less frequented places.
The trip itself has been really amazing. I’ve wanted to come here since I was a child & was immersed in the culture, which has been exploding across the world. It’s everything I expected it to be & more; which is very impressive considering how high my expectations were. I’ve really enjoyed the place, & the people seem genuine & friendly for the most part.
As mentioned, I’ve come here with Main; another step assisting in my exploration of what I want out of life. The good parts have been fine; when she’s been in a good mood relations between us have been great.
I think travelling helps you see a lot in yourself & others you travel with. Particularly in countries where you don’t have a local guide and/or everything is in a non-romanic language, it can be a bit stressful for some. Personally, I don’t really mind experimenting or getting lost, as it can lead to some really cool discoveries or adventures, like when my friends & I ended up in a Russian gangster run club in Croatia, or ending up in the middle of farmland in Spain, suitcase in hand while trying to find a hotel with an online map.
I have often found women like men to take the lead in relationships, which I am quite happy to do. But I wonder if for some, this is motivated by the absolution of blame should things go wrong.
After diligently following directions as given by an online map, I suggested we got on a train which would take us to our next destination. It was the wrong train & we didn’t have tickets. In total, it added about fifteen minutes maximum to our journey time.
Main didn’t let me forget about this for about two hours.
We went to a wonderful beautiful island yesterday, my favourite place so far. She took a picture of me with a water based shrine behind me, which came out really well. She then wanted me to take a picture of her in the same pose. I proceeded to follow direction, doing the best I could. I’m a pretty decent photographer. But sometimes there’s certain shots that can be difficult to frame if there’s lots of people about or the light isn’t quite catching correctly. This was apparently one of those times, which Main proceeded to tell me despite me maintaining my positive manner, that the pictures I’d taken were ‘terrible’ & ‘really bad’, & that my suggestion of trying again later were not feasible as the light would be different then. I was ‘not a good photographer’ & so on. I even suggested we ask someone else to try, to be told ‘I don’t want to anymore’. All for the sake of the perfect Instagram picture.
This followed another issue the previous night where we went to the convenience store to buy some breakfast. It took about ten minutes to buy everything, & then she told me she wanted to buy herself something sweet. Fair enough.
Literally about TWENTY MINUTES later, with me standing in the shop like a fucking idiot, I finally lost it & asked if she was doing it intentionally. I’d already saId I was really tired & wanted us to sleep early as we had a long day tomorrow.
I found her sat outside on the kerb. I eventually got five hours sleep that night, with her telling me if we were married, she’d GET DIVORCED over that comment.
The five hours came after a long talk. We’d already agreed to sort out any arguments before sleeping any time, but I had to push for this one. The prior situation I handled very well, just making the most of the situation & doing my own thing. She actually apologised twice, which was nothing less than deserved frankly. The rest of the day proceeded fine, but I didn’t forget these two situations.
I understood Main much better after these days. She seems to have a very high opinion of herself. She is fairly beautiful in a more classic sense & she often gets complimented or stared at when we’re out & about. As a ‘trophy wife’, she’s well educated about wine & other feminine things to fulfil the role very well. No doubt others see my life; career, money, beautiful partner etc; as perfect.
What they don’t see is the nasty spiteful side of her that sometimes comes out. Her ability to just become cold at a moments notice, as though everything loving prior had been an act. Her ‘tit for tat’ attitude when I’ve allegedly done something wrong. The preciousness of her suggesting a clearly clean blanket wasn’t suitable for her because it’s colour is a strange beige instead of a warm brown, because we’re on a different type of train. That I have to choose words very carefully almost every time I speak, so as to not upset her. That for all this, the sex doesn’t even compensate for it all.
The dynamic of our relationship changed quite drastically in the last year because of two events; that she found out I cheated on her & because she turned thirty. When we got back together, I did everything to make it work, only to realise now she has some characteristics that at the very least, if not potential dangerous are very tiring or irritating for me to swallow time & again.
I am of course getting older, to the tune of thirty six next year. But I honestly don’t remember ever feeling so tired in my life. The grey hairs have now proceeded to the top of my hair & I don’t feel joy. Despite certain days when it rages (which have to be said, comes when I have time to myself), I can’t remember the last time my libido was so low.
Despite being tired from walking all day yesterday, I spent an hour & a half lying in bed thinking of how I could leave her in the best way. I suppose I know if I do, it will be over forever. And I do love her. But it’s almost in a fatherly way. I don’t have that crazy desire for her, & although she is essentially a good person, I do get the impression she thinks she’s better than me for some reason. I don’t know why I am finding it so hard to make a solid decision; personal relationships are the only area of my life where I find it so hard to make a decision.
I can’t say I don’t love her, because I do. But almost like a responsibility. She wants kids & the idea of having two to five people hanging off me is exhausting. I’m already shattered & not sleeping half the time.
How I felt earlier in the year was really scary. I don’t ever want to feel like that again. I realised it was the culmination of many things but I also think my idea of our relationship was what she didn’t know about; the security of the idea of her support & all the other girls. But of course, if she knew about them, she’d have been gone in a heartbeat. I know for sure from her character, she can make a rapid decision at any time.
I see what I’m becoming; the guy who devotes himself to someone who he feels indebted to & forgets who he is. As a result, he loses his identity & slowly, she loses respect & so the attraction to him. Life becomes the joyless slog. He subconsciously gives up, his efforts to be what she wanted only resulting in the failure of the relationship.
Should I sacrifice my relative youth for the inevitable? Or just shortcut it & make the most of my remaining years of attractiveness?
What am I making all the sacrifices I’m making for? Companionship? Sex?
I’m falling into the trap of doing what I think I should do, but my issue is how; either I feel like I should be banging lots of women again & my libido is currently low because of not being happy in my current situation. Or that I’ve reached my logical end to banging lots of women & instead of feeling I should still be doing that, I should now embrace fully my relationship & fatherhood.
All of that said, I still remember the day I was in the swimming pool when we were apart, trying to maintain a normal lifestyle, looking at the the happy families playing with their children & regretting not having the opportunity to oneday do that with Main.
This is truly my conundrum.
I thought about the girls I’d been with before, as well as seeing some of the beauties in Asia. I’ve seen a few here but one of them was truly perfect the other day; I couldn’t stop looking at her. She would drive me mad with desire. I looked back at some ‘media’ of the other girls I’ve been with; most of them were fucking hot & most of them were good in bed. Two or three of them were loved up with me.
I feel like I’m with the safe option that isn’t really safe. I’m feeling guilty about leaving someone who probably wouldn’t think twice about leaving me if I said or did something she didn’t approve of. I’m quite sure she would have fucked the guy she went skiing with, if he wasn’t such a pussy. I have about three other women who love me & don’t like the country I’m in for Main, but yet for whatever reason I’m still scared.
I’m enjoying travelling. She said earlier we make a good travelling team. I had three other girlfriends tell me the exact same thing in the past. I also know I travel well alone.