Notions

Now make all these vibrate & hurtle around in random directions non-stop. Welcome to my brain.

Now make all these vibrate & hurtle around in random directions non-stop. Welcome to my brain.

Judge one through his actions, rather than his words. Like much advice, such things are often said but far less heeded.

I was thinking today, how I don’t actually regret anything. Even the horrific experience that I underwent earlier this year, I prefer to believe was part of a greater story that has yet to be told. What that story is, we’ll have to see. This time last year, I was confidently riding the crest of what had been a substantially large wave for me, lasting almost three years awash with money, comfort, substantial progress & of course, women. I look back at some of the women I was banging & realise I’d taken a lot for granted; some of those women were fucking hot.

Is that perception however? The romanticism of hindsight? Now I am somewhat domesticated, looking back with a tinted view? I remember towards the end of that period, thinking how it might actually be quite nice to be in a relationship & to call it a day. Of course, the grass is always greener on the other side. Now I have arranged the Nine Seven Twelve tour, which is far beyond anything I have arranged before. It’s like a massive calculated backlash against the last six months.

Similarly, I look back to six months ago. It was almost exactly when all I wanted was to be back with Main. I drove myself into the ground to win back her favour: dragging myself through hikes when suffering with a fever. Undergoing huge emotional criticism for making what would otherwise be acceptable mistakes, such as the scuffing of a wall with my new blue jeans leaving a smudge on the wall, being met with an emotional episode & me trying anything that came to mind to remedy the situation. Spending hours & hours not only making the house, but also organising activities for us & so on. Writing letters to her parents, apologising for my actions. Throwing my dignity on the floor, & doing so happily. I could’ve easily walked away if I would have held out a little longer.

When she admitted the same to me? She was getting screwed the same night.

Anyway, the reactions I made to those situations were both my decisions. One could argue I was banging half a country when she admitted to me about what she’d done but regardless, I consciously decided on my reaction. Was it an emotional decision? No it wasn’t. Of course there were emotions underpinning everything, but I made the decision how to transmit or not transmit those.

I wonder if I’m tired of chasing women. I can survive perfectly well on my own & while there are some occasions where perhaps one might require companionship, I don’t feel that more than how much I generally don’t trust women. I can push through those moments & get through it, as I have with everything.

From the two girls I have lived with, I had one girl leave me, & another I left. The former I am still friends with & never really had a huge bond with, despite the fact we experienced much together. She literally did everything for me & I nothing. The second (EEP), was a girl at times I thought I truly loved. I really thought it was the closest I felt to love in my whole life. The only girl who came near that type of feeling was BM-13It was the type of feeling where it possesses you; can drive you to depths or highs you may never have experienced before. Equally dangerous as it is exhilarating.

‘Dangerous’. That’s the key word here. The love I have for Main, despite everything I professed earlier in the year is not that type of love. That’s not to say there isn’t love – there is. But it’s a type of love I think spawned from familiarity or responsibility. A comfortable love, where you can rest in peace & not have to worry about anything. I can peacefully enjoy my life as a consumer, watching my football, playing video games & not having any real motivation to move beyond my current station. So, one could argue – being my natural, default self.

That’s not a bad thing. In fact, for a long term relationship in the western world, that’s positively your best bet. A low risk scenario where your partner is content with the humdrum of every day life, so long as everything appears fine.

But I’ve always aspired to push myself beyond the role of consumer. The very fact I write this blog, that I have started business, started bands & so on proves that. It may well be that one day, no one will read this blog at all. But in any case, to witness the changes & observe the history of it is for me, a fascinating experience. I now look back at the early entries I made; positivity shy in their content. Whereas now, I waste no time in pouring out my heart every time I write, even if circumstance now makes that somewhat less frequent.

Being with Main doesn’t really inspire me to push on & grab the world by the throat like I have before. I don’t know why, as nowadays I can do practically anything I want, but it feels like something is castrated in me. Although the week I experienced where she wasn’t talking to me at all was awful, I now think the trials I pushed myself through when we got back together actually affected me more than the breakup itself. Being made to feel as though everything you do is walking on eggshells is difficult. I’m a free man. A wild man, who operates on the fringe of society as much as one can practically allow himself to without being totally excluded from where the money flows; a regrettably key component of modern life.

As we can see from the forthcoming tour, I can realistically do whatever I want these days. But the legacy of the relationship dynamic remains. I remember the days where Main would never have a bad mood. Occasionally now, it happens. She still feels that same legacy. But when I think back to EEP & how I felt about that, I got through it. When Main finished with me over the phone when I was genuinely enjoying a goodbye Christmas drink with a friend, I just dismissed it & carried on. I even got through the awful guilt I experienced, eventually. I’ve got through everything eventually, but a fear still lies within me. As well as the logistical problems of moving out, a fear still exists. I imagine it’s a fear of feeling how I felt from the guilt.

One might say, why not just carry with the best of both worlds? It’s a valid question, but as an old friend of mine recently mentioned, the guilt is a loaded gun against your own conscience. We saw the fallout of that earlier this year & although I vowed I won’t allow myself to hit such depths again, I’d still rather not play with fire.

I’ve been driven for a while in some ways by the whims of others. When I lived in the central European country that shall not be named here, I found myself for the first time. I was alone & created my own universe for the first time. While one could say I was forced into making a decision, I have often professed to live & die by my own sword, & henceforth I should be brave enough to take decisions, second guessing myself if needed.

I have dismissed long ago conventional romantic notions of how the world works. The media has made us think a wife & family are the keys to happiness. It’s true these can bring you fulfilment, & whose to say children would not provide me with more meaning? But my perspective remains. I’ve had girls confess their love for me because I fucked them well. I’ve had girls confess their love for me because they (although they’d never admit it) see my value as superior to theirs. I’ve had girls confess their love to me because I’m the only male person who has been nice to them. I’ve had girls profess their love to me because they’re constantly seeking someone to be with. There’s always reasons behind everyone being the way they are.

I’ve been the same; I was conditioned by my otherwise fantastic mother that a partner & family would be the path to happiness & peace. When I was young & Jaded, putting this concept at the forefront of my goals got me into all sorts of ridiculous relationships which affected my self esteem & perception of women. In fact thinking about it more even as I write this, what I went through then because of the belief my mother imbued in me, has probably had a substantial effect on making me into the apparent sociopath I am today.

She subconsciously placed importance upon this from a very sensitive teenage age, when her father was tragically lost to an unexpected heart attack, in front of her eyes. The lack of a father figure, as well as having to drop out of school & care for her siblings, romanticised the notion of a messianic male figure coming into her life to look after her & take care of her. This became of higher importance than anything else, a concept she then passed on to her offspring.

Believe it or not, in the early days I was the kind of guy that wanted to be with one girl for my whole life, even sexually & expected that from my partner. My first girlfriend was a virgin & so was I. But mainly thanks to disillusionment, alcohol & an immense sex drive, I began to discover how much I liked sex. I normally reserved this for my girlfriends, remaining faithful for a long time (a massive mistake in hindsight). But once I realised this idea of finding contentment in others was misguided, I began to concentrate on myself, to the point now of taking what life gives to me – to experience as much as possible as we still can. It’s almost transaction-like; if girls are still clearly attracted to me, why stay with one? In the last three weeks, I have seen girls almost fifteen years younger than me clearly still interested. One last week alone was world class; a pretty face, slim body & an ass I truly believe I wouldn’t get tired of fucking.

I feel tired these days. I see more grey hairs on my head. Is it just ageing? Or am I in a self perpetuating cycle –  still weighed down by the history & dynamic of my relationship, fearful of feeling like I did before? Or in fact afraid of change? That I might not find someone else who has the patience & care Main does? Despite having a ready made girlfriend in the making (Venezuelan) & plenty of casual sex options around the world, I haven’t made a decision yet.

~ Unjaded

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