The Endless Fight

Interesting when googling depression, nine out of ten images were of women, despite depression statistically being far more common among young men.

Interesting when googling depression, nine out of ten images were of women, despite depression statistically being far more common among young men.

You never really ‘cure’ depression. You simply control it.

For anyone reading this who has never experienced depression, permit me explain how it works.

Most people will experience periodic depression, after a traumatic life event such as an unexpected death or a divorce. Periodic depression can last into the years, but in the vast majority of cases there will be an end to it. Perhaps the event that triggered the depression will have a significant effect on that person, even intrinsically changing their character if they are weak of will. But the depression itself will pass.

Then there’s the other type of depression. The one that waits in the  background while you are a child, waiting for puberty to kick in so it can nestle itself in the surge of hormones, waiting for a trigger to arrive before it blankets you.

You think X event is making you feel low, but it’ll pass. Everyone has their up’s & down’s right? Time passes.

But even after you feel like you’re not upset anymore about whatever happened, you still feel somewhat choked. Like anything you do, you’re doing it under a thick duvet that’s been thrown over you. Physically you feel like everything you do requires more effort. Waking up in the morning, you feel like you have to drag yourself out & into the world, despite every sense in your body telling you otherwise.

Mentally, you have to prepare masks, a different one for every occasion. But underneath, you just feel like it’s tiring. You can feel certain people are just playing a role, doing what they think is expected of them. You see the truth behind the facades, & wonder what the point.

You want to withdraw, to be alone & collect your thoughts. Go back to your sanctuary, where you have no outside expectations, are in control of your environment & can be yourself completely. Even if that ‘yourself’ is hiding away in bed asleep, in drugs, sex, alcohol or video games. Anything that can temporarily alleviate the suffocating feeling surrounding everything you do. Anything to alleviate the tiredness.

But there’s no respite. You still are expected to participate in every day life. You have to. No one can live for free. So you drag yourself through each day, waiting for the opportunity when you can finally escape again, at least for a few hours.

People do find ways to control these innate feelings of depression. Some use therapy, change their location or jobs or other ways. For me, it’s always been exercise. No specific type but something strenuous. I started around seventeen/eighteen & now at thirty four am still going strong. Without question, the number one benefit for me has been to control these feelings.

There’s simply no doubt I am ‘cured’ – even after several successful years of being well in control of my depression, I am only ever in control of it. It still lies there, ever threatening to manifest itself in new ways. Nowadays, I don’t feel the thick duvet over my head. It’s more like extended periods of reflective questioning, combined with a paradoxical self imposed loneliness, chosen as the only antidote to the exhausting presence of people.

Then there’s the resentful anger towards other people in your life, especially a partner. While you feel like you’re struggling just to get through each day, your partner is surrounded by different people every day, participating in various social gathering with people you’ve never seen it barely heard of before, seemingly overjoyed the whole situation as everything is documented on social media. It’s like a series of fury inducing snapshots taunting you of the standards you should happily reach, should you wish to be considered equally as interesting or attractive as this random hoard swamping someone you’ve previously been close to.

And you can see it coming. Last night I felt alone. My family is not near me. I have about seven girls here at the moment, of whom I only two I share any type of emotional connection with. I’ve realised, mechanical sex can be quite soul destroying when you feel low. With each passing day, I feel as though I am growing apart from Main too. She has spent almost every day these past two weeks with different groups of people, & I’ve noticed the reply frequency & general enthusiasm rate has been slowly dropping. I’m not stupid, I know when something is coming to the end in the mind of a woman.

In any case, I can only fully control myself. Any external stimuli must be processed correctly & dealt with appropriately. I’ve been through enough until now to be able to deal with anything new.

I don’t really feel the suffocating duvet anymore. It’s more extended apathetic bouts of ‘What’s the point in any of what I’m doing?’.

Let’s see.

~ Unjaded

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