Single minded obsession, depression, high on the chase, bitter at the fallout, anger, pain, resentment, guilt, regret & finally, embarrassment. Add a touch of grieving for what was / wasn’t & you have a good summary there of where my head has been at for the last three months, after my experiences with Thorn.
I threw myself straight into obtaining any pussy I could get my hands on. My preference for older women, that I had temporarily put aside during my relationship with Thorn, has resurfaced with reckless abandon. I quite simply adore the older woman. They know what they want & have a compassion gained through life experience. The sheer thrill they get from fucking the shit out of a toyboy is matched only by my own thrills. It’s mutual, we connect & we both gain what we want from it.
I have been seeing two women in their early to mid forties since Thorn & they have been some of the funniest, memorable times I have experienced with women in the last three years. One I am currently seeing is into bondage, candle wax play, veering between submissive & dominant tendencies. More on that in the near future.
Despite taking the first steps towards becoming ‘unjaded’ myself, I in fact find myself very jaded at times. I still am in a vulnerable place due to previously had someone using my every fear & insecurity against me. It’s no surprise to find that I question everything when it comes to human interaction.
I have three solid friends I know I can go to with all the trust in the world, no fear of judgement & all of whom have at least a similar mentality. These being Unjaded, The Spanish Knife & The Hermit (the latter called as such, due to his sage advice, despite generally not choosing to participate in typical life). These are friendships that have been maintained for the best part of twenty years. My recent judgments in terms of the company I generally keep though, was coming into question.
It is the one thing I will give Thorn some credit for. She pointed out certain things regarding my friends that I was loathe to admit at the time. Certain people brought my mood down & at times took my friendship for granted. She didn’t like any of them but my focus at the time was not on them. It was all pulled towards her.
Two of these friends are Rarebit & Mank. Rarebit became one of my closest friends in my hometown for the last eighteen months. A walking ball of menace, unpredictable moods & a loyalty that stretches to wanting to fuck anyone up that crossed my path. He also likes ale as much as I do.
Mank is a twenty two year old female. A twenty a day smoker, whisky drinker & has a degree in chemistry. In terms of men though, her intelligence is limited. A past of rape, abuse & running away from home brought her in my general direction. We were attracted to each other prior to Thorn but circumstances meant nothing materialised, so I went with Thorn. After the conclusion of that though, Mank made her move.
A night out with both Rarebit & Mank ended up with me going back to Mank’s place. We kissed, began to undress & just before sex seemed like it would happen, she froze up; her issues from her past preventing anything from happening. It wound me up to be honest. Residual anger from my relationship with Thorn exploded out of me towards Mank. I guess she touched a nerve.
My red flag radar was off the charts & later that week, Mank confided to Rarebit what had happened. I could begin to see where was this going. Mank was attempting a triangulation in an attempt to maximise all attention on herself. Recently educated to such behaviour, I decided to play along with the game & see how it panned out.
I played a game of show & tell. Basically showing Mank metaphorically everything, but telling her nothing about my intentions. We went out a few times. I put minimal effort in to gain her interest & did some triangulation of my own. I felt we could keep it a secret from Rarebit as Mank had mentioned her concerns that he appeared interested in her. All bullshit of course. He had never once expressed sexual interest in her, instead taking more of a protective big brother mentality. But I was having issues with Rarebit at this time anyway. His moods were more polarised than usual, him taking advantage of my generosity & generally being a difficult moody cunt. I let some of it slide due to my own ever changing mood swings during my recent experiences, which he’d experienced first hand.
I had hit a point of no return though. I wasn’t going to let it continue. At times during my relationship with Thorn, I had needed someone to have a stern word with me. Unjaded & The Spanish Knife had done so at times, but then I wasn’t in a place to listen. Rarebit had then used the situation to his advantage, taking what he could & justifying it by proclaiming himself as my friend at my worst time. Things were coming to a head. With Mank & I getting closer, Rarebit getting moodier, & a night out with the three of us coming up it was all set to kick off. And so it did.
An afternoon meet up for food & catch up with Unjaded preceded the events. After catching up on recent conquests, game mentality & general all round business, off we went into the city centre. As we travelled downtown, I mentioned I was meeting up with Rarebit & Mank. His response made me laugh.
‘Why the fuck do you hang around with these guys? They bring your mood down. When you meet up with The Spanish Knife & I, you have a good time & go home happy’.
I laughed on the inside. He was right. I knew it but I had my single minded obsession head on. I wanted going to see how this night panned out. Unjaded headed off to a date & I continued to the pub. Once I arrived, my first action was to intentionally crank up the tension by sticking an endless selection of Pantera & Slayer on the jukebox; angry music to suit my mood. The Spanish Knife also joined us for a few hours but he was in a tired mood & so was very quiet. But this was good. I know how observant he is when he steps back & takes in what goes on around him. I would be interested to know his own thoughts a later day. Eventually he left & the night went predictably pear shaped.
Mank & Rarebit spent most of the evening outside the pub smoking. I was genuinely concerned at this point. I know how volatile Rarebit can be & if Mank was playing with him like she was attempting to with me, then I knew it would be asking for trouble. I went to play some pool with the locals to distract myself temporarily, but I was in poor form with my mind still elsewhere. After losing a game, I stepped out of the pub to find Rarebit on his own. I asked him what was up.
‘I’ve just been telling Mank for the last half an hour that I don’t want to fuck her.’ was his response. He then walked right past me & disappeared to the toilet.
I wandered back in & found Mank being chatted up by another guy. She was clearly loving all of the attention coming her way. I interjected to ask if she was OK. The guy glanced at me & then back to Mank, making a comment about not realising she wasn’t alone. Rarebit returned from the toilet with almost physic timing, saw what was going on & it lit the touch paper. He pushed the guy in the chest & then disappeared, leading to the guy taking his anger out on me. He made a derogatory comment about me & it took a lot for me not to wrap a nearby pool cue around his head. This guy was a typical villager & he wasn’t worth the hassle. Mank had also conveniently disappeared by this point. Once it got vocal between us, another guy stepped in & separated us. The bar staff then refused to serve me so I left.
What followed was some of the most childish behaviour I have ever seen. Three people all with different versions of events. Rarebit was raging uncontrollably, as he had let his volatile temper get the better of him yet again. This wasn’t helped by Mank insisting he had throttled the guy he’d squared up to. He actually hadn’t, but every time I mentioned this to her, Mank interrupted & would not let me finish speaking. Like a child having a temper tantrum, she kept marching off & disappearing for ten minutes at a time when not getting her way. The final time was when the guy that split up the potential fight caught up with us & asked what happened. I told him to ask Mank as she insisted she knew every detail. This angered her & off she went, storming off with Rarebit running after her. I haven’t seen or heard from her since.
A few weeks on, Rarebit & I have again caught up & resolved our issues. I laid it all on the line about his foul moods, including the fact that he took me for granted as a friend & how I felt he was utilising my situation with Thorn to gain what he wanted from our friendship. He first looked like he was going to tear me apart but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Once he calmed down, he admitted he wanted to but he couldn’t. I was right & it would justify my opinions. One or both of them had to go. I decided it had to be her. Since then, we are still friends but I have kept him at arms length. He does seem to be genuinely trying to turn himself around. I hope it isn’t just lip service.
For me, life is taking off. My confidence is rising again & I becoming stronger than I ever was. Not only am I learning to enjoy my own company again, I’m also enjoying my new found freedom with aplomb. As for Thorn, I still haven’t heard from her but I am on guard. You never know…