Here I am again, in one of my most reflective of spots, the airport. I believe over one and a half years ago now, this blog was started in an airport, & now continues on in that same traditional fashion.
Why? Difficult to say, but being honest it’s probably because being on a plane or in an airport often means you have very little distractions around you. And more often than not, all of us are prone to delay decision making or responsibility, & instead choose distraction. It’s understandable. We are faced with a multitude of choices in modern day life & particularly as a man, a wealth of supposed responsibility.
There’s a concept; that of a man’s responsibility. It was once understood that from need of the overall environment & situation, a man would take responsibility for what & who he brought into his life. The nature of the world where the man was the only one who often, was even able to bring income into a household, meant he accepted this, should he take a woman or father a child. Roll forward forty to fifty years & things have changed. Women have long been campaigning to show they are at least as capable as men at anything they can do & as far as Western culture gender equality has gone, have completed their goal to an exceeding degree. In many cases, the system & society as a whole is weighted against men. Even one were to disagree with that point, it’s simply undeniable that access or facilitation into any area of life is clearly possible for women.
So one must ask, if a man is constantly reminded through the media, society & even his partner of his lack of worth, why would one accept any bestowed declarations of responsibility?
I’ve just come back from a week’s holiday with Venezuelan. That’s why I’m sat in an airport, awaiting my connection back to my current locale after the long haul flight was predictably delayed & I got transferred to the next flight. Incidentally, I’m very cold as I forgot to take out my jumper from my hold baggage before departing.
The holiday with her was actually pretty good. I must say she’s the only girl I’ve been with in quite some time who doesn’t annoy the fuck out of me with some pseudo intellectual bullshit she saw on social media, doesn’t act like a princess & surprisingly at times, goes out of her way to help me. Often I’ve just felt like girls are only taking from me, & all I’m getting out of it is regular sex & company when I need it.
We relaxed, enjoyed ourselves, fucked like crazy & then spent the last couple of days joining her friend for what was basically their delayed honeymoon. Unfortunately the hotel was suffering from an outbreak of some horrible virus & I was laid out for twenty four hours. That was the day I realised you can watch sport for twelve straight hours on US television. It was a good holiday & I have to say, she didn’t annoy me at all. She became a little clingy on the flight back but in fairness she was also stifling food poisoning on a flight which was scary as fuck near landing, from being blown almost completely out of line with the landing strip on approach.
The thing about going on holiday is, it really removes all those aforementioned distractions & gives you a chance to think about things. And I did in fact realise, that a lot of how my life has transpired, has been driven by the various girlfriends I have had & me then making the best of the fallout. I’ve had probably five girlfriends where I’ve thought I at least loved them, & I’ve done the following;
GF1: Changed universities at the last minute, after we’d spent hours going over places that did course we both wanted. I left without her, in my first band & with four amazing friends. It was also the time when I started to realise how much pussy was actually available out there.
GF2: Moved to a very large city. We ended, with me having cheated on her rampantly but it ending because she wanted to do voluntary work abroad. Realised the real availability of relatively easy sex with foreign girls in big cities.
GF3: Not strictly a girlfriend as I was still with GF2 at the time. Realised what quality of girls I was capable of getting & travelled abroad alone for the first time. Also, the first time a girl breaking up with me broke me somewhat.
GF4: The first time I truly thought I’d found the one, in EEP. The relationship degenerated badly over time & I realised in hindsight I was partially to blame. Some of the most consistently amazing sex I’ve had though. I left the big city for my central European hideout, where I realised the efficiency at which I could go through women, almost systematically. Probably when I’d become the most heartless & cold in my life too.
GF5: The self inflicted cause of one of the lowest points of my life, well documented here & one subject I do not wish to detail again. The cause of me being based where I am now, & also the biggest shock to myself, at how drastically I became emotionally reliant upon someone. That had never happened to me before.
Which leads us to the present day, with Venezuelan being the leading contender to be the next one. Her desire is I move back home, where we’d then move in together.
The bride who we’d visited for the belated wedding celebration had her baby with her & although baby in question was actually pretty cute, it reminded me of how boring having a baby seems to be to me. In the first place, I never have the overwhelming urge to pick up babies or obsess about them. Sure, I’ll play with them if they’re cute like baby in question, but even baby in question simply made me realise; I couldn’t give a fuck about babies. Literally all of the bride & groom’s time and/or focus was taken up by the baby. It was almost as though you had ceased to be people. I can understand if people might initially get a little excited about a baby, but after nothing else for several hours, it was boring as fuck. And this was a nice cute baby!
Venezuelan doesn’t want children, which is a massive bonus. Despite the logistical difficulties that began this year, if things hadn’t planned out how they did, I could have a three to four month pregnant girlfriend by now. Jesus man. I truly must have a good guardian angel, who knows what’s better for me than I do myself.
So, is it going to be the same again, where my movements & plans revolve around another? The fact I’m reflecting upon it would suggest otherwise. However, I’m also being realistic. As I have said before, although I don’t subscribe to the notion of getting ‘too old’ for X, Y or Z, I do need to be realistic. I don’t like going out to clubs or bars anymore & even when I do, I’ve been in the game so long I see the vast majority of these bitches for what they are; superfluous, superficial, short term idiots. And here when I use the term ‘bitches’, I’m talking about the men & the women. Although obviously only the latter is of relevance to me. I’ve seen it all before & I’m tired of playing the game. I love the fucking, that’s true. But the bullshit that goes with it, makes me question if it’s worth it.
More now for the general populace than ever before. I’m actually grateful I was born when I was, because at least I experienced some of the time before every woman though she was a princess waiting to be won thanks to Tinder.
I have seven women who want to fuck me when I get back. The BalletDancer, SPC, some horse riding woman, the LargeBreastedChilean, the Austrian, the Serbian & the twenty three year old SwissGerman. Of those, in reality none of them would make a good girlfriend because they respectively are; too weird, has a kid, just up for fucking, boring, too busy & leaving in about 2 weeks. The bottom line is, if I tried to get a decent woman now who hasn’t got tangible or non-tangible baggage, it’d be very hard. And this is the bottom line for most men, & especially those dating women in the thirty to forty age bracket. This is the biological turning point for women & it’s entirely clear when you’re dating this ago demographic.
So, these factors of tiredness of the game, the other options & finding a woman who isn’t fucking totally obsessed with having a kid are all plusses towards me sacking it off & going home.
Then on the other side, I have a wide selection of women already to have fun with, as well as my band. The former I can get anywhere, but the latter – well honesty, I think it’s my last shot at finding a talented, unjaded & humble group of individuals who want to make good honest music. Although they’re as terrible as other musicians at getting organised, there is an excellent dynamic in the band. I would have left after the beginning of the year for sure if that was not ongoing.
I don’t drink, do drugs or smoke any longer. I even feel guilty if I break my diets or play video games for a while to switch off. The one thing I do a lot though, is fuck women. A lot of women compared to the average. It’s clear that is either my passion, my goal or my weakness. And I often have wondered if there is a higher force that is either using this to guide me somewhere, or in fact it is as simply a characteristic in my person & it is my resourcefulness or survival ability to make the best of what are my own bad decisions (or lack thereof), that leads to my successes.
Recent difficulties with my family have also made me realise there is also the possibility of being left entirely alone, or bouncing between baggage filled women to temporarily fill that gap, as the years roll by. And truth be told, although I am pretty good at chatting with women once the conversation has been started (to the point of rapidly getting them naked), my mood & the general fatigue of playing the game often leaves me feeling like I just can’t be bothered. I’ve noticed there’s very few women that really make me think ‘wow’ & even then, after some observation I again often find something I see which switches me off fairly quickly. I don’t really like approaching women to be honest, mainly because the majority of them are hypocritical, delusional cunts. I dislike most of them by default anyway & so hold in distain the idea of me doing anything to support their false notions of grandeur. As already mentioned, their issues pile up in their thirties & as a result, you’re often left with the detritus as you get older.
And again, this is a criticism I apply to most people, not just women. But I’m not into fucking men.
So in summary, I believe I have to do what is right for me. I always planned to buy a third property as my baseline retirement plan & with contract negotiations coming up on my return to work, I feel I am in a strong position to negotiate higher. I’ll have to stay out here another six months at least to get the deposit together, for the first stage of the ultimate plan to get our of the rat race; my baseline retirement plan so to speak.
Further to that, there’s also the possibility of working abroad. Once I’ve purchased this last property, there is less urgency for any onward plans, which means I can take less money & utilise my career to explore new destinations. While I could do this with a partner, let’s face it; half the intrigue for me is the possibility of banging a whole new subset of women.
It’s entirely possible Venezuelan won’t like that. But if that is so, then it is so. It’s that time of my life where I have to stick to my own plans & if she can & wants to come along for the ride, then so be it. But all in good time.
We have one life & we have to live it as we see best.