A week is a long time in my life. Perhaps out of the boredom that lies in wait, for whatever reason I’ve always had to have something to occupy my mind. Even as a child, I would ravenously devour anything nearby that could be read; factual books, comic books, graphic novels. Even instruction manuals. My brain was constantly hungry for more material to absorb; a never quenched sponge wanting to assimilate everything in sight.
If the brain could not be satisfied, then the body started to demand stimulation. A craving for movement, expenditure of energy & physical engagement often manifested itself in playing football, cycling around the city limits & being in any state of flux that I could exhaust myself with, as mind & body finally accepted fulfilment.
You may now assume that upon puberty, these cravings were superseded by the desire for sex. In that you’d be right; the desire was raging, but ever more so due to the total lack of sex, because of the crippling shyness I suffered & the false ideas about the opposite sex that had been planted in my head by the older women by whom I been raised. This wasn’t a malicious act at all. They also supplied me with other advice which has served me very well to this day & will continue to do so, such as not to judge others on hearsay but by your own conclusions, to always keep a private cash supply for emergencies or not to foolishly allow people into what you have fought for & acquired.
Their advice was well intended but was that one might expect from older women from a different generation; traditional & so, outdated. As society seized upon the ‘controversial’ behaviour of popular artists & the media itself pushed the boundaries of what was permissible to be displayed on film or television, or in print, so too did these concepts become normalised. After the initial furore had died down, the attention alone the originator had drawn prompted others into following suit. The new standard proliferated & so no longer became shocking. The erosion of the last generation of ideas emerged as they rapidly became irrelevant, to be replaced with the new trend of whatever escalation of perceived normality had taken it’s place.
Traditional ideas became outdated & continually eroded with every new revelation, of which was nothing more than pushing the boundaries of the time to a suitable degree, at the right time. The practical effect of this to me personally was misunderstanding, self blame & questioning of the self again, as my hungry mind instead became focused on the question of why my inherited concepts were not working on a very detailed & intense level. ultimately resulting in a rapid move towards low self esteem & depression, I battled with for many years. I even thought at the time we must have been transitioning into an age where for a reason I couldn’t discern at the time, women were somehow in control of dating. And from what I heard from my fellow man, this was just ‘the ways things are’; the women only restrained from indulging their barely restrained promiscuity they often appeared to threaten through ‘jokes’ & insinuations, providing the men settled for their limited lot in life. Despite something within me rumbling on within me that did not lie well with me, I felt as though I had no other choice but to adapt to it.
I entered into a succession of relationships. Without going into details, they were for the most part unsuccessful, & I was blamed for them not working out. The details of whatever action I’d taken that had ultimately caused the end of the relationship were of course not mentioned & instead the ‘story’ that had rang around the grapevine was always easily distilled into various categorisations fitting in to easily digestible ideas for females & the men that accepted the status quo; accepting whatever they were told by their women, in fear of being cast out.
Time went on, & after more failings with women, more questions span around in my head. In my expansive search, I finally realised there was nothing wrong with my way of thinking. I’d simply been led into a giant thought trap; a growing majority of women using a backlash against something which had already been defeated; the dominance of men in almost all areas of life – now entirely redundant in the western world. But an idea still maintained in much the same way as the legacy of racism; a racial minority can easily call racism as a poor man’s defence against anything which displeases him, as a woman can call sexism in much the same way.
Using a Dungeons & Dragons reference, oft seen on the internet, I made a decison to consciously create my own reality in dating & relationships; what I would describe as being ‘lawful neutral’. Not with intent to hurt others, but to prioritise my needs & wants clearly above that consideration of other people’s, something I hadn’t done until then. Start by edging the boundaries of normal day to day life further outwards; not be bound by a single woman. Have a lover & a girlfriend. Take opportunities for what they are. Sleep with the girl who wants to sleep with you, without needing to clarify the ‘status’ of your relationship with that person. Be tactile yet clear about that you are a sexual person.
I began to see the possibilities. And so I went further. Started to experiment with how far I could take things. How quickly I could get a woman to sleep with me upon meeting for the first time, through clever use of preparatory texting. Approaching women in the unforgiving daylight of day to day life. Have sex with two girls in one day. Theoretically propose them sexually advantageous propositions, such as letting me watch them have sex with another guy; & then seeing if they would reciprocate the same with me & another woman. With every success or discovery, I wanted to go further.
And so I did, learning unprecedented amounts of knowledge about the opposite sex, from purely empirical knowledge. My mind was blown. The conclusions of this huge empirical experiment were well documented on this very blog, but for the most part eighty percent fell into two distinct & clear categorisations; prudes & pragmatically selfish people. The former seemingly stuck in the realm of unrealistic beliefs about modern day relationships & with whom I felt some sympathy, as they seemed to be subject to my own starting affliction but unwilling or too scared to change.
And the latter demonstrating repeatedly, that someone may take their perceived words or actions at their literal value, was beyond consequence for them. The only value in any action or choice from them, was the net, tangible benefit it brought to them. Grandiose proclamations & apparently unique moments between two people, were soon forgotten if another, seemingly ‘more perfect’ option presented itself. Eventually, one begins to doubt the truth in anything said during the process of knowing someone, & when subject to repeated episodes of something following practically the exact same pattern every time, adaptability again comes to the fore.