So looking back on the previous pieces I wrote, it’s pretty much as I said. While I do have indisputable feelings for Venezuelan, I have on the other hand totally immersed myself within myself in these last seven days. I have been incredibly busy as my day job actually showed some signs of being an actual job for the first time in a while, as well as carefully watching the world markets following the election of a certain US president. I couldn’t care less who won that election, aside from how it affected my investments. Things with my musical project picked up considerably, as I note how my corporate experience has helped me mould passionate but otherwise disorganised musicians into a tight functioning unit. But irrespective of that, as more momentum builds so does the workload. Deadlines, although self imposed do need to be adhered to in order to progress swiftly. I don’t like to waste time, unless it’s designated as ‘chill time‘.
Alongside all of this, my experiment to try to be faithful for at least a certain period of time spectacularly failed, as I ended up sleeping with a Portuguese girl who’d simply fancied fucking someone else aside from her boyfriend & indulging in everything but, with a Taiwanese woman later that same day, after the Portuguese girl went back home to her man, as though nothing had happened.
Being then entirely exhausted from the week as everything culminated, I took a day off & did absolutely nothing constructive all day, which benefited me greatly. I did however take the time to arrange to meet a Ukrainian ex model the next day who is in the middle of getting divorced.
The following day rolled around & she conveniently came over, we chatted, had sex & then she was out the door before nine in the evening. She was of course undoubtedly attractive with a lovely slim body & importantly still with an ass, but with a very beautiful face also.
So all in all a situation most men would be perfectly happy with, assuming they weren’t interested in anything more than the delights of the female body. And on the face of it, I can’t say anything is bad. Although I do have a feeling of impending doom quite often. I think this is probably experience based paranoia though. Perhaps being in a long distance relationship is something I struggle with. The challenge in my life now seems to be more about creating the life I want, rather than around someone else’s desires, or feeling obligated to some way of being because of circumstance, age or some other criteria.
I keep having a wide range of dreams these recent days. In almost every dream, I’m in an entirely different situation to the one I’m in now. I could be working in an entirely different sector, in a different identifiable location & living within entirely different means, or any combination of these & more. There are common threads however. I always note my situation seems simpler; my role or goal is one that is clearly defined & I am (to different degrees) relishing the challenge presented to me. I am focused & engaged, with a sense of progress & accomplishment. The challenge itself brings me energy, as does being around people of equal or greater contribution. We speak firmly but fairly, aware of the need for clear & concise communication in the need of progress but not at the cost of disrespect. I can’t say the goal is what most may say typically honourable (like working for an INGO for example) but you can feel the vital energy in every scenario. It’s amazing.
In my real life, while I do have a considerably above average IQ, there are people I would consider typically higher in intelligence than me. But in almost all cases, it seems to be at the cost of something else, like common sense, proactively or a true desire for quality. I constantly feel as though I have to ensure I compensate for other people’s potential failings, to the point where other people get annoyed with me. I don’t believe I’m a perfectionist, but I do wonder about the point of doing anything if you’re not going to do it properly.
As with relationships, sex or even dating, when you have an idea of how you’d like things to be & it’s consistently not hitting the ideas you have about how you’d like it to be and you know you’re doing everything you personally can, it’s easy to start getting discouraged & take your foot ‘off the gas pedal’, so to speak. If this continues, you go into cruise control; otherwise known as complacency or disillusionment. And complacency or disillusionment is when you become vulnerable or reckless. For me it’s the latter; I subconsciously give up on something & unless an external factor rectifies it somehow, I start to not give a shit. Particularly so regarding how it may affect others. I become reckless & start doing other things I feel may be of more immediate benefit to me, as we see way back up there in the first paragraph.
Let’s see what happens next…