Pursuit Of More

And talk about it so much, someone wants to cave your head in eventually.

And talk about it so much, someone wants to cave your head in eventually.

About ten years ago, I started working in security in pubs & clubs. Although I’d done enough martial arts & could run fast enough to hypothetically prevent me from being killed one day while on ‘the doors’, in practicality looking back I was fairly useless against anyone more than your average, non exercising pisshead & likely as not, relied on hopeful diplomacy & other, scarier people to manipulate drunk people into leaving & the like.

However over time, I realised I didn’t like this. While I can say my colleagues of the time were superb & to this day, some of the best friends I made, I sensed a few of the clientele seemed to hold a disdain for me – as though they would relish the opportunity to fuck me over one day.

I used this as a spur, to make myself contextually ready for any eventuality. I trained hard & stood my ground emotionless even when people were screaming threats inches from my face, hardening my mentality. I’d already learnt Taekwondo but taught myself the more practical (read ‘brutal’) style of Muay Thai, sparring & fighting against all types of other practitioners & always with a healthy mutual respect.

It improved me dramatically. Colleagues could sense a difference in me & my increased confidence made me more relaxed, ironically improving my rapport with people & reducing the need to unleash this new beast. I continue this even now; where knowing when & how to speak in a situation can quickly realign the way it’s going.

Nowadays, training hard is more tiring. The anger I held that drove me so hard is no longer internalised into a motivating silent rage, as years of increased confidence made it feel less important to drive myself into the ground.

Six years ago, I decided to start a business with EEP (Eastern European Psycho; the spark for the fire burning Jaded to the ground, for Unjaded to rise phoenix-like from the ashes – mentioned briefly here). I lost a lot of money & it was a contributing factor towards that relationship ending. It was a risk, but I was driven by my perception of being in love at the time.

Being a skeptic now, I can’t say if I believe in the notion of traditional ‘love’ at all anymore. Only lust or mutual convenience between two people, followed by either familiarity, obligation or a lack of confidence to extend one’s own boundaries. But if I strip away all the abuse I received & horrific complications from my time with EEP, I still I believe the closest I felt to that concept was then.

During this time, I was spurred (possibly blindly) into overcoming boundaries I’d never even foreseen myself overcoming, reaching near maximum heights of my potential at the time, practically singlehandedly staging an enormous event at a historic & prestigious venue. Although I lost money, the event was a success in every other respect.

I followed it with another part time venture, lasting two years but without any final reward (or liability thankfully). Once again, I’d gone beyond my own expectations, developing complex mathematical consumer incentive schemes, through to sketching the marketing designs, writing press releases, producing video adverts & managing challenging business to business relationships.

I decided at the age of seventeen I wanted to be a singer in a rock band; it was my only true goal at this point. I’d funnily decided on this role because I thought it’d be the cheapest option – this was a hilariously bad prediction after subsequently spending hundreds on lessons but ultimately, certain goals were achieved. We played all over our home country & even beyond, one band getting music on a national advert & receiving real exposure. In the end, the bands usually imploded when on the verge of success. I ultimately lost the love for it. But we set goals & we achieved them. It was a rewarding time.

Nowadays, I haven’t done any business or creative work in my spare time, aside from this blog. My corporate career has given me more than enough money to do whatever I want. I turn up, do whatever is required & nothing beyond that. It’s become automatic behaviour, occasionally with a rare highlight.

Twenty two years ago, I first discovered what my penis was fully capable of. While working the aforementioned security job, I had the experience of going on a course about drugs, interestingly run by an ex user of many drugs, enabling him to give an honest view from both user & the usual perceptions. One of the things he mentioned about why people get addicted to crack cocaine was that the first hit was always so mind blowing, users were constantly trying to recreate that first hit. It reminded me of the first time I masturbated in my life. I literally blacked out temporarily, such was the intensity of the pleasure. I immediately tried again, being sure to be in a stable sitting position before confirming the first time wasn’t a fluke. It was at that precise moment, sex became a huge part of my life.

Throughout my teenage years, I was obsessed & insatiable. Having sex was the golden Mecca to me then, & despite crippling shyness, I did everything in my power to make it happen. Seven patient years later, it did. And it was just as good as I’d imagined. When I was having sex, everything else was inconsequential. It was & still is to some degree, my heroin. Certain orgasms I’ve had in my life have been close to what I can only imagine is ascending beyond your physical body temporarily, into some sort of temporary transient status.

Two & a half years ago, I was offered the opportunity to move countries & continue my career there. I took it. I found my popularity with women there to increase exponentially, possibly due to being a less represented nationality there. For the first year I enjoyed this in full without particularly chasing. I slept with some superb women, enjoying fantastic sex & forming enjoyable bonds.

After the halt to my business ventures mentioned earlier, this became my main leisure activity. For an entire year now, my spare time has been mainly devoted to having sex with women. While there have been other activities such as studying & travelling, these have taken secondary importance to the pursuit of pleasure. Being a person of perseverance (as I hope all readers of this blog aspire to be – there’s nothing stopping you), I have achieved this, which you’ll have noted if you’ve been following The Words Of A Man. Girls upon girls upon women upon girls.

And honestly, I can say it’s lost it’s edge. What’s it done for me is illuminated me to the needs of people. It’s almost reached tragic status in some cases, & egomania in others. Seeing Shy Student completely handle a situation incorrectly, BBP mercilessly playing the victim, the emergence of Cameroonian as a incredibly heartbroken person or on the more positive side the inspiring positivity of BM-13 in face of genuine adversity. What i’ve been consistently exposed to is the very human side of what underlies the dating / relationship game. A feminist here might try to suggest my behaviour is somewhat responsible for this, which of course is utter shit. That’s like saying someone who stands in a lake to drink the water  that’s been polluted for years by a nearby factory , is polluting it by standing in it because he didn’t wash his feet beforehand. I’m not responsible for the way the world works.

In any case, I walk guilt free through life. I’ve seen women discard good men without a second thought & in every case, you can see how they always get over breakups, usually through the deluge of attention they position themselves for soon after, to whatever extent they feel comfortable with.

Meanwhile, i’m seeing the real vulnerabilities of people. Trust me when I say, I would gauge about ninety percent of people as all talk. Anyone with a real form of power will keep it to themselves. I’ve confronted people at work about their opinion of me & invited people threatening me to punch me in the face. Maybe they’d knock me out, but the fact is in the first example they tend not to question you again, & in the second they simply won’t, because of fear.

On a personal standpoint, i’ve realised the achievement of any goal (such as any of the above & more) is never as rewarding as the path there. Furthermore, maintaining the initial drive & fire you had at the beginning that diminishes as you go on, becomes more challenging as you gain greater levels of success. One only has to look at musicians releases, with each next album usually (not always) never having the same level of grit or integrity as the initial releases.

My concern is where does this all lead. I’m starting to understand now how people get deeper & deeper in for example, more extreme sexual practices. They’ve exhausted conventional practices & need some thing more specific to get them off. Those who get drunk on money or power keep going, desiring more & more as it’s what gets them off. In rare cases, they may realise through some key event (falling in ‘love’, or more likely a close relative dying) contentment often only comes from those non-tangible things in life, but overall a pattern which has brought you great pleasure in the past is very difficult to abandon completely.

~ Unjaded

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