Apologies for the late post; I like to keep a weekly schedule these days but when you’re without a moment to spare for almost the entire duration of your time away from home, the problem is not so much the intermittent internet but more the complete lack of time or privacy to actually write anything.
However one thing I had in abundance these last two weeks was acute experiences, from a variety of perspectives. For the first time in my life, I experienced a taste of what it’s like to be famous & revered somewhat. Of course, this was only a little bit of what established celebrities experience regularly but it was really a surreal experience, particularly as I sit here back in the same seat before any of this happened.
In summary, my musical project took a step up. An endeavour that was intended to advance us in some way to the next level, did so in an entirely unprecedented way, where one could describe it as being throw up a whole flight of steps. A hardcore fan base was made over the course of two weeks in a place where we’d previously been unheard of. Over these two weeks, an insane collage of stress, euphoria, energy & chaos flew by, accompanied by an array of endless faces, hands to be shaken & pictures alongside new found fans.
It reminded me first hand, of how something so small can mean so much to another. I typically take the view of assuming most people are predominantly concerned with others by way of seeing how much they can gain from that person. But I think this is a symptom of my cynicism as much as a form of preemptive defence. While I prefer this instead of getting screwed over constantly from being nice to everyone & being thought of as naive or gullible as a younger man, it does again come down to the application of balance; something many of us only develop with experience. Namely, realising who & when to give what & how.
Being abroad in a country & receiving so much love as a new artist was incredible really. You could see how they really believed in us; how they were looking for something real, rather than the fake, cynical substitutes they have to make do with most of the time instead. To be able to project yourself & your energy onto others & receive the same or more back is an incredible feeling only available to the fortunate few, & something I’m very appreciative of.
Much in the same way as how crowds in our base country were totally unemotive & disconnected from what we were doing onstage due to their apathetic attitudes brought about by total availability & satisfaction, the people were much the same way. Where we toured is a developed country, with some heavily undeveloped areas which bring about a number of challenges. No job is guaranteed & if you don’t work, there’s a far greater possibility you won’t eat. Musicians don’t tend to pass through as often, as they’re not getting vast sums of money promised to them. When they do pass through, you can see it’s often cynical in the same way as a corporation looks at a deprived country as a business opportunity while offering nothing of substantive value in return. They arrive, perform, take their pay packet & disappear back to where they came from without a moment’s more notice. Taking the time to engage with these people who have real challenges in life & listen to them properly is one of the most rewarding activities in life, celebrity or otherwise.
Back here in the worst place you’ve ever been, without purpose one can rapidly feel lost. I can totally understand everyone’s need to make money; it is central to modern day life. But when you’re torturing yourself in an existence you can’t stand & don’t have any meaning beside the accumulation of products or money in your life, you’re gonna have a bad time. Having means without having purpose is akin to having nothing at all.
The culture pervades through the people of the respective countries too. The first day away we arrived in a major city, I found myself having a beautiful, femininely dressed girl, perhaps ten years my junior smiling at me. I had to do a double take to make sure I wasn’t imagining it, particularly as I didn’t look particularly good that day. She was superb; a little auburn headed beauty with a sweet but naughty smile. That alone was enough to lift my spirits & return me to a state of remembering how miserable & apathetic I had allowed myself to become because of others. Despite my knowledge of frame, a internally based self esteem & how I shouldn’t allow idiots to affect me, I has allowed the miserable, unfulfilled wasters to seep into my own mentality.
Fortunately the benefit of perspective gained from being away from routine has helped me considerably, & I am back to being myself. I see now that when you have everything available to you (much in the way a woman using a dating app now has endless choices), they become apathetic about everything & in fact, it is nothing to do with you. While I have mastered this part, I have previously paid the price through shutting down & applying a complete approach to everyone. Being close or presumptuously aggressive to everyone by default is as bad as coming across as naive & gullible; the net result of both is negative.
The girls generally don’t smile at me here. I’ve caught a few looking for an extended period of time, but then they look away as though showing interest is a bad thing. The ego takes over as showing interest means showing interest is what they perceive as showing weakness; the “I don’t need you” mentality of modern feminism has become endemic, as people (firstly women, & then men in reaction to that) isolate themselves to interacting with others.
The main thing I realised while away, is that I stay where I do mainly because my life is quite easy here & I can make money that enables me to do what I want to do. I fit in to the extent where I can maintain a low profile while doing what I want to do. I have often considered how it might be if I went elsewhere but while here, I can create a life as I wish. It doesn’t depend upon the locals, what they think of me or anything other than what I wish. Creation of one’s life is entirely within the realm of decision making, providing you take into consideration what cards has dealt you, the process of which requires you to put aside your ego & remember to not allow the negative people among us to shut you down to the extent where you may miss out upon an opportunity to engage with another who exists within that same realm or environment.
The resistance to societies expectations is one stage of self improvement. But true strength comes from being able to apply the correct emotion with enough heart, at the right times to the right people. It sounds easy but it’s not – mainly because you won’t necessarily realise that which you may have missed as a result of not addressing this problem within yourself.
Give appreciation where it’s required to the people who feed it back to you, & watch your life unfold in ways you may never have really envisioned. The rest is just a means to an end.