The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it – Thucydides

I sit here tormented by an endlessly repeating instrumental guitar, as I wait for someone to pick up my call so I can simply tell them who they should now contact in order to get their money. I’m continually reminded that I ‘can go online’ to submit my information, which as a intelligent, functioning member of society I am entirely aware of.  I just choose not to, as I’d like to ensure these changes are acknowledged by a real human being & processed correctly.

I’ve noticed how my one year old phone has slowed in recent weeks. There has been no firmware updates, hardware damage or installation of bloated application updates. Here’s some more emoji’s! Here’s some advice!! Not all your users are twelve years old!!! I think back to the first phone I ever got, where the only internet access was to WAP sites –  the most simple, text based sites of all. Admittedly, the novelty of being able to remotely access the then still embryonic internet far outweighed it’s quality or usefulness. The advent of the original iPhone changed the game forever. The original that is. The follow ups were clear marketing ‘improvements’. My Mitsubishi phone from the nineties, however simple, lasted me a good four to five years in a time of rapidly developing technology.

One week ago, as I was settled into my weekend night enjoying a documentary, the lamp on my projector unexpectedly exploded. In the years of technological maturity that we have seen since 2010, I am still subject to something exploding in an electronic device.

At some point or another, quality has been cast aside in favour of margins. The commodifiable has been quantified, repackaged & sold back to us wherever possible, as we search for something that will bring us closer to a dream that it itself, has been marketed to us as one & the same;  that doesn’t exist.

All of this is done with efficiency in mind, mostly outsourced in the case of my above examples to what has become the workshop of the world: China. As with any country, they need to carve out their place in the world to maximise whatever resources they have, which is manpower. Competition for opportunities to work means people sacrifice much to work in any opportunity that becomes available, as they themselves pursue a dream that does not exist. In fact, the very same one that gets marketed to their Western counterparts who will buy the things they manufacture. It’s the same story in every country. Textiles in Bangladesh & Vietnam. Diamonds in Botswana. Services in the UK. Everyone’s in the same boat, trying to accumulate as much as they can, as quickly as possible, in order to achieve the dream that doesn’t exist.

Even if you’re industrious, fortunate or incredibly skilled, when you get there, you’ll realise that dream wasn’t what you thought it might be. Sure, you might enjoy it for a while but because your idea of it has come from something that was repackaged & sold to you long ago, the reality will never match the idea. That’s the very essence of marketing anything; this thing or experience will change everything you dislike about yourself or your current situation.

See the fragile nature of those people (typically women) who can’t wait to throw themselves under the knife of plastic surgery. It’s as clear as the midday sun of a tropical country to anyone with even the slightest bit of insight, that these people need proper psychological help in the majority of cases. But that’s like an unchecked alcoholic turning down a beer that’s right in front of him, standing up & voluntarily walking himself into a rehabilitation clinic – it’s only going to happen in the most rare of circumstances. When money is at stake, no one is going to give you an honest answer & if they do, & it’s something you don’t want to hear, you’re going to go & see someone else who is going to tell you what you want to hear. Most of what most people appear to deliberate outwardly, they’ve already decided. Those with enough fear are ready, & just waiting for the person to say or do enough, to enable them. It’s just the right combination of conduct, words & style that will unlock that will. That’s how you convince someone with self esteem issues that plastic surgery will make her feel worth as a person. It’s how you convince someone your phone will be the one that will complete their peer acceptance. It’s how you convince a girl in a club to sleep with you the same night. It’s how you convince a wife that fucking you behind her husband’s back will make her feel young or desired again.

Then the reality kicks in. The breast enlargement wasn’t quite the size or shape that you wanted. No one is impressed with your new phone because they’ve all brought the same one. The one stand amounted to nothing more than a guy pleasing himself & the wife, lays there at night with the guilt running through her mind (temporarily at least) as she cosies up to him. The cycle doesn’t end, because you succumbed to something fake. Something which was a low quality, temporary fix, for a low quality person. And the symptoms grow beneath the surface, growing ever larger until the desperation draws them to the same or a similar circumstance once again, & they are condemned to an ever repeating cycle, unless something significant happens.

‘Something significant’ normally means some sort of breakdown or at the very least a magnificent, landmark epiphany, normally drawn on by the aforementioned desperation reaching a critical point. The point where that unseen essence that exists within us, finally has enough & rises up in a tangible form. This vary from a realisation & subsequent change in direction in the best case, through to incurable physical maladies in the worst. It all depends how long you’ve been in denial, how unfortunate you’ve been in associating with people who aggravate or soothe your underlying insecurities & how detached you’ve become from who you really are underneath.

A lot of this can be avoided, by abandoning the safety of the internet, getting out there, doing things, pushing yourself, putting yourself outside of your comfort zone to an appropriate degree & staying away from clearly destructive behaviours. Attempt to be honest with yourself & look at the root cause of your symptoms, rather than masking the symptoms. Observe yourself if you must, see what makes you happy, what you think makes you happy & make changes accordingly. Substitute bad escapism for better escapism, & recognise we all must rest at times, & that there is nothing wrong with that. Enjoy the simple things life has to offer, as well as the fruits of your labour. Bring yourself closer to good people & distance yourself from those who bring only negativity. They must find their own way, & will come to you when they are read for your help, or when they have completed their own work & want to show you the new version of themselves, to reconcile. Understand that whatever image of themselves a person projects, they still breathe, piss & shit like we all do. Everyone was born the same, but we choose where if we bathe ourselves in knowledge or shit; to participate in the idiocy or not.

~ Unjaded

Life Game (Pt. 2)

Sofia Vergara, because of course you would.

The worst part of anything ceasing to be, irrespective of if one can say they really did put everything into it, is the irrevocable toll it takes upon you. As for better or worse genuine creatures for the most part, without lifelong training in how to deal with emotions or more than ever any type of support mechanisms such as women have, we see men pressing down sadness, regret, guilt & so on either chemically, or by remaining fearfully static in their own life. All we ever hear about these days are ‘strong women’ who are celebrated for their incredible achievements but which when put under scrutiny, actually amount to very little. More often than not, these ‘achievements’ are little more than what regular men are doing day to day; doing their job properly. Raising a child alone. Exercising. It’s almost as though the bar for women has been pushed so low by the all accepting, non-questioning wave of feminism that now terrifies the media & business, that any behaviour expected from a normal decent person, is now championed. But only when it’s women of course.

With the endless barrage of validation available to any woman with basic knowledge of angles & lighting, what we have is an entitled, deluded, largely talentless group of people, who feel by virtue of having a vagina, they are deeply lusted after by almost all men. Parading around in outfits which are basically lingerie, I’ve personally reached the point where I’ve finally understood how society is going the way it is. I can entirely understand why any man would simply withdraw, than have to put up with what amounts to little more than a spoilt child, who will jump online at the first sign of trouble to find someone else. Reach a certain age, & you’re left with little more than the dregs of society; women who practically have allowed their bitterness over a failed marriage or similar consume them & become little more practically than whores, selling themselves to the highest bidder. While there are a few examples worth considering even as you get older if you’re willing to considerably broaden your horizons, the remainder are often so indoctrinated, they have very little to say. I can remember so many occasions where I simply haven’t been interested in what a person has to say. It’s got to the point of almost complete intolerance for me personally now.

And these are the one’s whom the uninitiated among us, choose to MARRY. To share all of their harder than ever earned gains with. For sex. And apparently companionship, which often is subject to her acting skills, as the level one must maintain to truly enamour a privileged Western raised female is now almost entirely unobtainable. Everything has an opportunity cost; steroids screw up your balls & heart. Working long hours to gain that all important scratch destroys your social life.

What’s the opportunity cost of marrying a whore? Deep reaching, damaging & potentially permanently so. I don’t need to explain why one shouldn’t treat such women for more than what they themselves present themselves to be worth. We present ourselves in the image to which we wish to be considered. But one should still bear in mind the same lessons with any woman. This is the basis for life game.

Life game is the natural progression from game to pick up women. It’s when you realise the bigger picture. it’s when you look at how you are treating yourself & what efforts you are expending, for what you are trying to achieve or acquire. This realisation could happen over a longer period of time, because of a person (negatively or positively, & not necessarily a woman), because of a sudden realisation or an observation. You might observe yourself performing both mental & physical back-flips trying to get Caesar-like thumbs up from a woman you found attractive, & be disgusted how much effort you are making to impress someone who is clearly below you almost every level. Take away the fact that she’s (presumably) a woman you find physically attractive & then make your conclusion. Regardless of if you’re seeking something serious or more casual, psychotic delusional narcissists should not be on your list at any time. Don’t even look at them to feed their ego if you’re not planning on talking to them. Let them rot within their own delusional world they have created for themselves., until they run out of time & suddenly realise how weak they are.

So let’s assume you have found a woman worthy enough of attempting something more serious than banging her on a semi-regular basis. Your challenge then, is to maintain enough game to overcome unacceptable behaviours than have become normalised. Every action has a reaction, so your unquestioning acceptance of her hammering social media with semi-naked pictures of herself in provocative poses on an almost daily basis, means her respective inbox is going to be awash; yes, awash with hungry men who think they’re the only person who mustered up enough balls to send her a message. Are you naive enough to think all of those are going to be basic billy betas? It’s simply a matter of time before some steroided mug steps into the picture & she starts looking for justifications to go off & just meet him for a ‘coffee’ as a ‘friend’. The bottom line is, if a girl is in a relationship & doesn’t have a legitimate business reason of mutual benefit to you both for putting pictures as described above online regularly, then she’s promoting herself & keeping her options open. That’s it, there’s no other reason.

Of course, the justification for this is easily found as with basically anything a woman does these days – the general populace of the western world has become so indoctrinated to the battering ram of feminist shaming that if a woman cheats on her husband, eyes & minds immediately look for a reason why she would do that. Her husband must not have been providing her enough attention? Perhaps he cheated on her?

It couldn’t possibly be that she was a just a bitch who didn’t care about her vows, because she was horny or feeling spiteful & wanted to fuck someone else?

YES, that is what is it.

Every time, regardless of any other context that is attached to it.Much like how many male ‘friends’ she’s innocently meeting for coffee, or how she justifies the pictures she plasters up online, it’s simply because she chooses to take these actions for a goal of sorts. I’m not saying every girl who puts semi-naked or bikini pictures of herself on Instagram is trying to get laid. But the very act of her doing that means she’s open to it for the right person & tells you everything you need to know about her personality. She is not content with her current lot in life, not matter how great it may be & so she is making herself available for better opportunities. Those could be financial, sexual or the ultimate goal for most women, minor celebrity. Any justification that is given is false. Actions are always evidence of intent & much in the same way that it’s now being professed that black people cannot be racist to white people (any discrimination by any party against any another on basis of nationality or colour is racism), you have no obligation to tolerate otherwise. You are not obligated to any supposed status quo or anything other which prevents you from expressing yourself in any way not tangibly harmful to another in your conduct.

Now I have hopefully spelled out what we as men are up against, in the next part of this series, I’ll be outlining methods to stand against these proliferate lies.

~ Unjaded


The abundance of women means, you should never settle for second best. I don’t know who this is, but there are many people who look like this.

So 2016 is out of the way. What a year it was, with celebrities dying left, right & centre, girls coming & going through the revolving door of sexual encounter, & among others, the massive change from the disaster that was last year. Looking at how other people were generally faring, I’d fairly satisfied by getting through it with only a few close calls. Most of the things that were of stress were somewhat of my own making & a lackluster mindset. Complaining, moping & fear took the place of taking action to address issues. My quality of life decreased, as I allowed myself to go through the motions in a number of ways, instead of casting aside that which did not be compatible with my own philosophies.

The new year has always been a psychologically great opportunity to realign oneself. The availability of time in the preceding Christmas holidays gives us the opportunity to really reflect upon what was, & what we intend to be. Personally, I usually don’t train over this period either, meaning my energy levels & body also have the chance to recuperate, meaning I’m normally raring to go by the time I get back in the routine.

This year, I’ve decided to simply refine upon what I’ve been attempting to achieve in the past year. I expect better results & more progress this time. Not starting from a position of recovery & having foundations built in the preceding year, should mean smoother paths forward.

Furthermore, I won’t let my environment, perceived fear or outside expectations influence my state of mind, decision making or filter what I say or do. Integrity in maintaining your own desires is critical in the path of contentedness; particularly so for those of us who actually attempt for better or worse, to push either internal or external boundaries. Nothing is set, should you have the courage to make decisions. And make decisions we must, or else we choose to not make a decision; itself a decision. When we make bad decisions which become detrimental to ourselves, we must then be honest with ourselves, take responsibility, heal ourselves or others as required & then take the new knowledge of ourselves or the world we have acquired into our next decision process.

There’s nothing to stop me quitting my job tomorrow, taking my savings & travelling around the world wherever I should so choose. Regardless of where one might be, we have at any moment the means to entirely change everything. The only prisons we are trapped in are those of our own making. That applies to everything, from the job you do, to the person you married, to where you live, to choosing if to talk to the attractive girl you observe in the street.

A person close to me who I shall not name out of respect, is currently where I have been. Twice. Feeling trapped within a house he has brought with someone else. His concern was not so much for his own wellbeing, which he has processed well, but for not knowing his logistical options in getting out of that situation. I simply told him what he needed to do & suddenly, the clouds enveloping his happiness & hope parted, as he saw once again the possibility of another chapter in the future. He made some simple decisions as to how he would describe the severity of him feeling hopeless as things stood with his realtionship counterpart & set a time limit within himself as to when he would determine if her behaviour had improved. In the interim, he would adopt a stoic mentality & should her behavior become intolerable, concentrate on his own personal goals while making practical arrangements within his home (separate rooms for example). At the point of his time frame hitting his predetermined point, he would make a simple decision. By laying out clearly that he was at the limit of his patience, adopting a stoic approach & stating his expectations from her, he placed the success of the relationship directly in her hands & took comfort in taking responsibility for his own life.

It’s easy to say such things as an outsider, when things are stable in your own world. I had an excellent ten days or so with Venezuelan & it was a immeasurable improvement upon this time last year, especially for her. That we had such a great time together is something which I’ll never forget, especially as it was clear it went a long way to healing what had previously happened. These moments are the very essence of life & it is the creation of these, which we should not only strive for, but for the creation of which we are entirely responsible for.

And with that, normal but improved service is resumed. Soon to come, the 2016 awards…

~ Unjaded

Return Or Regret

Jang Jin-Ah; not everyone's taste but right the bang up my motherfucking street DAMN

Jang Jin-Ah; not everyone’s taste but right the bang up my motherfucking street DAMN

Having just spent four days with Venezuelan, again just after we leave I get a feeling of missing her. It’s a rather scary feeling, a weakness if you will. This feeling comes, despite her having a bad moment & regressing into some weak female stuff. Being sad about basically nothing. Upon parting however, everything was fine.

Sometimes, I’m no longer sure about what I want anymore. It sometimes feels like the only thing that drives me is banging new women. Sometimes, it can be incredible. Others, dull & tiresome. Equally, at times I feel very dynamic & accomplished when I’m alone but sad. Like what I mentioned before about having everything but yet, feeling dissatisfied. It’s quite tough switching between each persona every time I see Venezuelan & I wonder why I equate happiness, to self satisfaction & even weakness.

Somewhat aptly, this time I leave to get away from the worst place you’ve ever been & onward (or back, depending on how you look at it), to holiday & in the process, be visited by two other women, who have already professed tantamount to being in love with me. While I personally doubt this & think in at least the former case it’s simply the challenge or my means which are shrouding clear heads, I’ve taken it upon myself to arrange to meet The Greek & …BM-13.

The Greek I have mentioned in previous posts. Such called as when I was Jaded, I thought I was in love with this girl, as I cheated quite flagrantly on my girlfriend of the time with her. In reality, at that time she was little more than the hottest girl I’d banged in my life until then & so it was nothing more than infatuation. After she went back to Greece for the summer & told me she couldn’t see me anymore (which I later found out to mean ‘I have started to see someone else’), I’d worked myself into so much pain, that I vowed I’d never have anything to do with her again.

Roll on at least two relationships & a country later, & after she’d broke up with the same about twelve hours earlier, I’m fucking her senseless in the rich central European country after she makes her way over. Since then, she’s been suggesting again & again that we should get together somehow & be serious.

She’ll be wanting to fuck me tonight too, as she meets me in my holiday destination, having told her (new) boyfriend something about why she’s going, after she suggested she stay with me.

Do women like this actually expect to be taken seriously? Even if she does believe I’m something more special than anyone else she’s ever met, it’s only going to buy me more time in a relationship with her before the same happens to me? I firmly believe this. She’s even told me there’s nothing wrong with her current relationship & everything is good. Frankly, she is hot & we do get on, but I’m quite certain after this trip will be the end of her hoping for anything more. Not because I will be bad to her but simply because, I won’t entertain it any longer. While I’ll enjoy it for what it is & have my fun, after this it will be a chapter closed for me. This is as much the reason for me to go as any other. I need to see certain people who had a big effect on me in the past; now I have changed to who I now am. If I am going to go the full way with Venezuelan, then I have to do this.

Which brings us nicely to BM-13. Of all the women who have passed through my life, this (relatively) innocent young beauty totally changed the direction of my life; the first meeting with her permanently changing the dynamic of my relationship with the Mexican, to the point of it never being the same again & in the process of the following attempted (& deluded) reconciliation failing, that would lead me to where I am now.

I do remember being very enamored with BM-13 when we first met. And in fact, while she has since had a boyfriend who moved away since, I’d actually got back in touch with her about six weeks after being back with the Mexican. Looking back, I think that was really one of my lowest points, with the exception of the breakdown itself; when I’d realised I’d made a bad mistake in coming back to the worst place in the world, & should have in fact gone anywhere but. Somehow, that went on for another six months, before the infamous explosion. At the point when I got back in touch with BM-13, I was unquestionably sick in the head & my guilt being used against me to the point of me being manipulated daily. It was also the point where my subconscious started to sabotage things. What I didn’t realise then was, my subconscious was actually trying to get me out of a bad situation.

In two days, I’ll again return to the point & be with the person where two years ago, things inextricably changed & more importantly, I inextricably changed. While the process has been ongoing, there’s no question the ultimate fallout from that first meeting with BM-13 changed me greatly. And some might think I’m mad for going again, given the curcumstances & what happened last time.

But the process of changing from a Jaded relationship obligatory beta to who I am now, has been through my various experiences & experiments with women. Only through testing myself & doing, can I really know myself. And if the desire to see BM-13 exists, I should act upon it to see how I feel about it.

There will be no “what if’s” in my life; at least not as far as if I had a choice in what I could or could not do. Regardless of how much I care or feel for another, I must put myself first. It would be a lie to say I won’t enjoy the sexual experiences I may undergo with both these girls, but for me this means nothing. Or at least, I believe it will mean nothing. When all those experiences begin to mean nothing & I totally crave something of more challenge & depth, I know then I am ready to make my chosen person, the happiest partner in the world.

~ Unjaded

It’s Harder Than It Looks

In case you were wondering, the Mexican looked like an imperfect version of Penelope Cruz.

In case you were wondering, the Mexican looked like an imperfect version of Penelope Cruz.

Happy Christmas to all. Despite everything that happened before mine, I can’t say it was terrible. It was extremely important for me to be around my family.

Main shall henceforth be known as the Mexican. I can’t refer to her in the former manner any longer. I sent her an email apologising for how I had treated her, after I went to midnight mass on Christmas Eve to ask for forgiveness from whatever higher power is there, as well as her forgiveness & her healing. Kinda ironic considering the nature of my last post. She wasn’t perfect but I shouldn’t have done what I did. I’m pretty sure she’s having a whale of a time catching up on the cock carousel now. I’ll take solace knowing I was the only guy to give her an orgasm ever though.

Anyway, not my concern. A Japanese friend of mine still had her on Instagram so I got a sneak peek into her exploits since my last post. Looks like she went back to Mexico, which I’m happy about. I didn’t want her to be alone & unhappy.

I also just tried to ring her now & she rejected the call almost immediately. I sent a text about me having to go by the house to get my stuff & that we need to talk. She hasn’t responded & I don’t think she will.

If she gave me another chance, I’d probably go for it & marry her. But it’s pretty clear she won’t.

I went there soon after to collect my stuff. The doorbell gave no reply, so I went in with my keys. The whole place had been cleaned completely. Probably indicative of her attitude towards me right now.

Over the Christmas period, I was taken back to hear from Venezuelan. She sent me an email saying I at least owe her an explanation. So with me half expecting to be jumped by a gang of South Americans, I picked her up, scoping out & staying strategically away from a nearby car with two guys in it, & drove us out to the middle of a desolate car park.

I didn’t have anything else to lose at this point so just told her the truth & apologised. Surprisingly, she still wants to be with me. We spent the night together & it was fine. She looks great & knows what she’s doing in the sack. But it’s clear my mind is currently elsewhere.

I feel exhausted. Not like last time where I was a complete mess, but tired & unable to love at the moment. It’ll no doubt be a story to tell the grandchildren one day but right now going back to where I was living & not having anything to do with the Mexican felt awful this morning. Leaving my family was rough too; I had to keep a strong face on, particularly for my mother so she wouldn’t worry. I do feel slightly better now I am settled in my new accommodation though.

It’s far easier to burn through feelings with hate than it is when dealing with guilt. You can use that anger & hatred to destroy any emotions you had for that person. Even if it hurts, it doesn’t last as long.

It’s over with the Mexican. Everything she said about always loving me was not true. If it was, she’d at least communicate with me, possibly even forgive me again. But it was just emotional talk. I’ve sent her a final email with the complete truth, which may well be used against me if Venezuelan gets it forwarded on to her. But it is what it is. If that email doesn’t get responded to over the next week, I’ll start making arrangements to go back home. The way I feel now, I don’t have the energy to continue the player lifestyle; ironic when you look back to what I was posting a few weeks ago.

Breaking up with someone is fucking hard. No two ways about it.

I need to get back into the swing of things. Get back in the gym, get busy again & even going back to work will help. Although honestly I don’t really feel like it,  there’s a few girls who will help me forget the pain a little before it heals properly. I’ll come out stronger from this sooner or later.

It’s harder than I expected though.

~ Unjaded

General Advice

‘Furthermore, thou shall nay longer accept the ridiculous fetches distaff give f’r their portance!’

Improve yourself. Don’t stop. Everyone is good at something. Don’t wallow in excuses to justify being lazy. Work hard & rest properly, not half measures of both. Try everything until you find something you are good enough at. Monetise it to the maximum degree. Secure yourself. Buy property, invest, start a business, deal drugs. Do whatever it takes, to create something for yourself. Find happiness in yourself, through doing something you enjoy, or something that gives you the means to enjoy the rest of your time you’re not doing it. Find happiness in travel, eating new foods, experiences & making great friends. Work hard when you are younger, so you can ease off a little when you are older. Buy a house, even if you don’t live in it, so at least you have a roof over your head when you are older. Live without obligation, that will only ever be created in your own head through guilt anyway.

Above all else, don’t place your own happiness in the idea of a relationship or a woman. They are masters of creating the illusion of higher worth than you, when in reality the majority of them are leeches with only a vagina to offer you. Increase your own worth through the above methods & let them prove to you, why you should allow them into your world you have created.

If you choose to let one in, keep yourself protected. Don’t just joke about prenuptial agreements; draft them & get them legally overseen & documented. Keep your property in your name. You are already giving them enough by allowing them to live in it rent free. Don’t fall for guilt tripping; look after her to a normal standard & the occasional treat, providing she deserves it. Take responsibility for when you are wrong & let that be the end of it; remember making a decision is better than inaction, even if it ultimately proves to be the wrong one. Just learn from it. Don’t apologise for anything you are not responsible for no matter how she turns it around; history is history & has no relevance on a current disagreement. Keep a separate & secret bank account as a backup. Give her regular goals. Even if she is raising children, she should be running a home business, day trading, learning a new skill, being proactive, overseeing your administration or doing your research at the very least – not just wandering around bored. A bored mind is a dangerous mind; make sure she has tangible goals to fulfil & she is part of your plan, not anything else & least of all, not just a sex doll. Make her aware failure to comply with these objectives put her at risk of you moving on – you are the prize she should be grateful for, not the other way around.

Don’t be afraid to be confident. Take pride in yourself & don’t be underconfident when you see someone with more money, muscles or better looks than you. If you’re truly doing your best, that’s enough; they’re probably a one dimensional person. Everyone has a weakness if you’re forced into conflict. Don’t be afraid of doing anything, especially when it comes to women.

Do things for yourself or those you truly hold dear, such as your close family or friends. Weigh up your actions with a woman against those you make with others, who have always been there for you & who accept you as you are, without trying to manipulate you. Remember who & what is important in life, & what makes you happy, least of which is likely to be ‘a woman’.

Any moral decision you have to make, just go for for it – she probably would.

~ Unjaded

The End

Not knowing if the other end is also a dead end; a metaphor for life?

Not knowing if the other end is also a dead end; a metaphor for life?

I don’t really know where to begin with this post, so I’ll just start & see where it goes.

I went away for this weekend, to visit Main. We live in different countries. As you may or may not have ascertained from previous posts, despite my incursions with an resolving assortment of women, I’ve always had high hopes for Main, looking at her as a long term partner. My belief to a successful long term & committed relationship is that if a person has certain experiences they want to feel, they should get them all out of their system before agreeing to go long term, with potential marriage, kids etc. This is basically what I’ve been doing until now.

So comes Friday evening, post arrival & having dinner. I’ve been quite romantic in conversation until now, dropping in various genuine hints about how nice to was to see her again (it was, after a chaotic week) & about the future together.

The conversation turned to past experiences, where she asked me how many women I’d been with before her. Not wishing to twist the knife unnecessarily, I told her the honest figure but without mentioned when those had taken place (quite a few of them has been since we’d started seeing each other). It was about four times as much as she’d had (my own estimates) & she took it surprisingly well, not seeming to be too bothered.

The conversation somehow turned more towards the past & as I have been envisioning a future with her sooner rather than later (in the next couple of years), I asked her if she’d ever been unfaithful to me. She said no. I asked again, adding that if there ever was anything, now was the window of opportunity to get it out in the open, rather than risk it ever being revealed unexpectedly (in truth unlikely, but still possible).

Completely unexpectedly, she mentioned she’d slept with someone else, the same day we’d had our romantic parting following our first proper day together. I was stunned; this day we spent together was genuinely romantic & on parting, there had been a sweet sorrow. I’d left her, going home on the train back to another country with a smile plastered over my face, and thinking of all the potential she had. Meanwhile, she was staying another night & made arrangements through social media to meet another guy that night.

It’s also worth bearing in mind she had another boyfriend of over a year at that point, who had been traveling away.

Somehow able to restrain my anger, perhaps through disbelief & that it was mainly directed at myself for being so naive, I requested more details. They were forthcoming; she’d already arranged to meet him before she met me (we’d met on a training course) & had only intended to meet him for a drink (of course). She’d met him, they had considerably more than one drink, he’d been pressing his desire for sex onto her the whole night & eventually, she’d cracked; going back to his place where he fucked her.

Even writing about it now makes me angry. I’m not sure at her for being so pathetically weak willed (something I’d always suspected, from her inability to resist peer pressure in the time we’ve been seeing each other) or at myself for being so blindly naive yet again. I’d even invited her to my place the previous night where she’d declined, which when I thought about it only served to increase my burning fury more.

I started to rationalise in the awkward silence that followed. ‘OK’ I thought. ‘These things happen at the beginning of relationships these days’. I’d become accustomed to the fact most people have something going on these days even when they are actively dating; in the best case a fuck buddy, sometimes a boyfriend. In the worst case, a husband. I’d myself overlapped her with my ex & had a couple of other women on the go, so perhaps I should just deal with it.

But regardless of those things from my side, it still destroyed my faith in her somewhat. I’d always had a belief that whoever I’d eventually settle down with, it’d be something from a (relatively) pure beginning. I’d left that day believing that perhaps I’d been too cynical about romance being dead & girls like Main had given me hope. Meanwhile, she was preparing to fuck someone else.

And in case anyone (probably a woman) is thinking ‘oh but sometimes those who things just happen’ – go fuck yourself. Anyone who does that puts themselves in the situation, from choosing to meet someone, to the amount of drinks they consume, to finally agreeing to go back to their place. Nothing ‘just happens’, & really, if you believe that; I hope you fucking undergo some tragic heartache & when you ask your loved one why, they give that as the reason.

Although I’d maintained my frame very well, Main tried to soften the blow by telling me how she didn’t enjoy it at all; going for a huge jog the next day & having ‘about 10 showers’ throughout the day. I of course, internally completely dismissed this as bullshit again. If she didn’t enjoy it or want to to do it, then again; she could’ve left.

As I was feeling like a fucking idiot for believing this had all been something pure from her side since the beginning, she following through with a hard right that made her first admission feel like a exploratory left jab in comparison; she fucked her ex after we’d been together three months.

I almost started laughing at this point; what was next? A gangbang with the local rugby team? I still maintained my frame, as the one thing I did respect about this whole episode was that she was being honest with me. If she hadn’t & I’d have found out for myself, I imagine I’d have been tempted to smash the restaurant table into her, get the next immediate flight back home & start making arrangements to fuck one of her best friends (who incidentally, there had been furious chemistry between her & I when we’d previously been introduced).

As what she had told me didn’t warrant any further questioning about what happened, I immediately asked who else there had been. She said no one, & that had had only happened with her ex because she felt like she ‘owed him’.

Now, English isn’t Main’s first language, so some leeway is often given, but when I heard this reason I couldn’t control myself, bursting out into a dismayed laugh. ‘Owed’? Should I go back to the now divorced middle aged woman who was nice to me when I was growing up & fuck her senseless now that I’m a grown man, because I am indebted to her kindness?!

Unusually for me, I actually remember that day distinctly. She’d even told me she was meeting him, for closure. I’d messaged her throughout the day itself, of course aware of the possibly something might happen. I remember receiving sporadic responses, which had completely dried up by the evening, with the last one received about 1am. I had my suspicions but at the time, gave her the benefit of the doubt. I remember speaking to her the next day, & sensed some nervousness in her voice. As if by it being meant to be known by some higher power, my mind immediately flew to a day with another ex (the one who jumpstarted the transition from Jaded to Unjaded, let’s call her simply EEP: ‘Eastern European Psycho’), where EEP had gone out for the evening for a yoga class & came back clearly hiding something, with her demeanor being almost identical to how Main had spoke to me the day after she’d fucked her ex. I immediately added the other details I’d previously dismissed as coincidental to the scenario involving EEP; it was clear she’d cheated on me too.

The underlying principle was basically the same; they’d met, talked, had a few drinks blah blah blah. Once again, she’d demonstrated her weak will as a person, which ultimately I think is the main realisation I have taken from all of this.

We finished dinner & true to my word, I said the fact she had been honest with me meant I respected her for her (eventual) honesty. I of course, am not really in a position to criticise being faithful, but the difference is this; I openly choose this lifestyle because I like fucking other people right now. She explained both scenarios to me as though she’d been the victim in them. I then even proposed the possibility of an open relationship, to which she countered saying she just wanted to be with me. I said with an open relationship she could have both. By the time we left the restaurant, I told her I’d drawn a line under it, but the wounds were still raw. Questions swirled in my head & I’d not arranged to leave for another two days.

We carried on pretty much like nothing had happened for the rest of the evening, with the exception of me being more quiet than usual. She was obviously happy, having got something off her chest while having enjoyed the experience of fucking two other people while we’d been seeing each other & now finally everything back to normal. Or perhaps she actually was happy everything was finally out in the open. I couldn’t help but be swayed towards the former train of thought. I tried not to be cynical, fighting off thoughts she might be having of a sense of achievement or smugness, thinking instead of how I’d made the right choice by banging all the women I had in the past two years. We went back to her place. We sat on the bed & she told me she was horny, obviously unsure I’d want to have sex with someone who’d just found out she’d fucked two other guys since we’d been seeing each other. Being practical, I pulled her towards me, picked her up while still standing & fucked her while standing up very hard, demonstrating my dominance & power. The words almost spilled out of my mouth; ‘I bet your ex didn’t fuck you like this’, but I restrained myself, because I thought she’d probably get turned on thinking about the comparison. It wasn’t loving at all, but she enjoyed it. Following the revelations of earlier in the day, the experience genuinely compounded the beliefs I’d had until now; the vast majority of women are practical in getting what they want & as they are predominantly driven by emotions, cannot always be trusted.

The following day I followed up with some questions, most of which were pointless as I already knew the answers would be whatever she believed would be easiest for me to hear; ‘did you enjoy it with your ex’, ‘no I didn’t’ etc. A key & interesting proposition I put to her over a coffee of a beautiful hotel bar on top of a huge hill was ‘If I told you I’d fucked someone else, what would you do?’. She told me she’d immediately finish with me. I proposed that made me a stronger person than her, to which she conceded ‘probably yes’. That wasn’t my goal, I wanted her to understand how she’d made me feel. I said to her, ‘how would you feel seeing a video of me fucking another girl?’. She of course said ‘terrible’, to which I responded by saying ‘so that’s how you’ve made me feel yesterday; except worse because the video keeps replaying in my mind’. She looked upset, like the full realisation of the scale of her admission had finally hit home. After a few moments to allow her to simmer in that feeling, I offered a conciliatory hand & told her that this really was where I’d drawn a line under it. At least in the terms of her & me, it was. We’d continue to see each other, it would be as before.

I couldn’t help but test the waters a little more that evening, on a conceptional level. I told her previously, a girlfriend has told me she’d love to watch me fuck another girl. Being Jaded, I didn’t take advantage of this. But now I continued my point;

Unjaded: If it turned me on to watch you being fucked by another man, would you do it?

Main (after being asked a couple of times): Any guy?

Unjaded: No, you can choose. One you like.

Main (more deliberation): Yes, if you wanted it because I know it would make you happy.

Unjaded: OK. So if it made me happy to have you watch me fuck another girl, would you do that?

Main: No.

Unjaded: Why not? I thought you liked to make me happy?

Main: Yes but I wouldn’t like to watch you fuck another girl. What would I do anyway?

Unjaded: Well you know, touch yourself. Then I’d fuck you after.

Main: What would we do with the other girl?

Unjaded (genuinely amused): Tell her to leave!

The conversation ended on a humorous note, but once again this conversation (after which I didn’t bring up any questions or conundrums) only served to prove to me the practicality of most women; they will only do what is beneficial to them. If she was genuinely willing to fuck another guy with the predominant, decisive reason being to ‘make me happy’, then by that same reason she should go through with watching me fuck another woman to make me ‘happy’. It’s again, self serving fucking bullshit.

All in all, this weekend’s events simply confirmed what I’ve preached through this blog & in my personal life; monogamy is dead; where it exists is only through duty, manipulation or coercion. Romance exists but those that believe in it are getting it killed with every failed attempt, as communication technology enables what the media labels as acceptable; expected even. The vast majority of women are attention seeking, practical beings who are clawing together (subtly or brazenly) whatever they must do, even when in a supposedly two way relationship, to benefit themselves.

I’m still waiting to be proved wrong. Until then, I’ll continue to do whatever I want, as I want.

~ Unjaded