Conversations With Zan #5

‘Do you carve those angles into your beard intentionally?’

Unjaded: The typical narcissistic modern female’s whole existence is based upon preemptive, unbelieving falsities.

Zan: It’s taken me of the most of the night to comprehend the magnitude of this statement. I’ve treated this as a numbers game for so long that I’m bored of that equation. For now I’m trying to find out about myself, by pushing my limits along the way.

Unjaded: Like banging members of the same family?

Zan had been sleeping with a girl & somehow started chatting with her mother too, which resulted in the mother coming over to his house the day after he’d banged the daughter, for a taste of the goods.

Zan: Even that feels normal. Help me now.

Unjaded: Limit pushing! Yes, I know what you’re saying. Still have a little bit of that in me. Just work it through & enjoy the process. You’ll start finding other things far more interesting soon.

Zan: Like?

Unjaded: Well, like the day I decided I wanted to bang four different women in a day. Stuff like that. Banging women with husbands & boyfriends, which always seemed to give me more of a kick than a single girl. I know why; because of the power thing. I liked to demonstrate my power. It’s a bit sick really & comes from when I was a young man seeing women have all the sexual power & feeling helpless. But then, everyone is sick in some ways. People just decide to indulge, suppress or purge it: the latter through total, prolonged submersion.

Zan: Interesting. I always preferred banging loads of women when I was in a relationship as it was more exciting. Probably the same underlying reasons though. Now though, it’s the equivalent of having a wank. Ultra basic.

Unjaded: When I was with my ex who in hindsight treated me like shit in certain ways, I got a massive kick out of banging her after I’d banged a different woman earlier in the day. Because I resented her. But I don’t get that with my main squeeze now, because I actually like her. In fact, I struggle a little bit to reconcile needs against guilt at times. I’m fucking paranoid about getting caught, to the point of CIA levels.

Zan: What will be, will be. That’s the control element.

Unjaded: Yeah sure I know that. I accept the risk profile.

Zan: When I look back, my main three relationships have all been with narcissistic women. All were a cunt in some form, hence why I enjoyed doing shit behind their back. Do you remember me telling you about that girl I finished with earlier this year? The super kinky one that pissed herself for that guy? She messaged me yesterday after a seven month gap.

Unjaded: And does that surprise you? Of course not, because you knew she’d come back as you fucked her well, & she’s presumably a cunt with low self esteem.

Zan: Nothing does anymore. He dumped her and now she’s crawling around for affection. But, the way she spoke to me was like the things that bothered us then are still bothering her now. I took great pleasure in struggling to recall who the other guys were and pointing out her low self worth. Seven months!!! She’s still in the same mindset as then too. So pathetic.

Unjaded: Because unless she has a light bulb moment of great introspection, she is doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes & being the same idiot.

Zan: I agree. It’s funny because at some point we have had that light bulb moment and now it amuses me when people haven’t. I’ve been amusing myself with the one that text me yesterday out of the blue. She’s still giving it large about the boyfriend who gave her the best orgasms ever (and ultimately chose his job over her). She’s so self absorbed, me telling her I’ve not great orgasms for a few years barely registered as the insult it was intended to be.

Unjaded: I just feel sorry for them mate, especially the men. I actually think men have more chance of escaping that mindset than women, providing they embrace the pain instead of hiding from it. Women typically just go deeper & deeper into their delusions, like a vinyl constantly being played, & the needle slowly scraping the grooves deeper & deeper.

Zan: I’ve stopped drinking coffee whilst reading some of the stuff you send!

Unjaded: It’s true though. Even when I’ve tried to help them, they seem to listen but fall back into habit. Being self aware is one of the most important traits one can have I think.

Zan: I’ve met so many women who are good at pretending to be self aware, but when you bring up the inconsistencies in what they tell you the truth becomes clear. I was talking to The Spanish Knife the other day and I think even my mother is narcissistic. My upbringing with her was horrendous at times.

Unjaded: Of course man. They want the validation from fitting into a peer group, but then pick & choose whatever reflects their inner desires, & then find a way to rationalise the breaching of their moral standpoint. It’s called compartmentalisation.

~ Unjaded

Zan Dates: #8 It’s All About The Marketing

The entitled modern princess of our days (Photo credit: Mari945)

The entitled modern princess of our days [Photo credit: Mari945 from DeviantArt]

About ten years ago, I was a rabid consumer. CD’s, clothes, Hi-Fi equipment, magazines, books & so on. Anything that had a decent advertising campaign, I was on it in a heartbeat. I lived my life the way I was told to live my life. Somewhere along my journey, that has changed. I no longer give a fuck about what I wear. I stream music rather than own it & I do what I myself decide to do.

Marketing does have its place though. People with businesses need to sell their product, but ultimately it’s all designed to entice you into parting with your hard earned cash so they can get rich.

Online dating works in a similar way. People sell themselves & present themselves in a manner that entices you pay attention to them, & perhaps spend your hard earned cash on a date. Should you jump through enough hoops & persuade them to say yes, they will meet you. Recently on Tinder, I began speaking to a rather lovely lady who resides near the capital city & works in (yes you guessed it), marketing. For this post we will name her Blondie.

Initial impressions were fantastic. She messaged first & the conversation just flowed. We straight away found our level of humour. We bounced off each other & over the next two weeks, messages & phone calls enabled us to really get to know each other. As is always the case with Tinder girls, I was asked about my past & how my previous dates had gone. I find this kind of question totally pointless. If my dating was successful, I wouldn’t be on the thing; I would be in a relationship. I told her I had some good dates but that’s as far as it went. I asked her the same question, & her response made me feel a little sorry for her. She had been in two relationships prior to entering the dating scene. Both of her partners had cheated on her & got their lovers pregnant. She also told me how she met some assholes on dates & was weary of anyone with a temper. Having had my own disappointments of late, I felt like we might understand each other more than most people would. It was safe to say we had clicked & we both got our hopes up considerably prior to our date. We flirted heavily, talked about our days, discussed our views on relationships, our interests & how we both felt things should be if we decided we were a good match upon meeting.

I was pretty excited. Blondie ticked all of my boxes for being a happy, independent person who had been through a lot & come out the other side stronger. She was also very good looking; a blonde geeky look with a very curvy body. She worked for a charity & seemed to have a caring nature. Blondie seemed perfect & everything I could ask for.

The day prior to the date was horrendous. A depressed mood seemed to hang over me for no reason at all upon waking. I just felt uneasy & on edge all day. It began in the morning. Blondie had messaged me to say she put on a pound in weight & was freaking out. She had been exercising a lot & eating a good diet, but this ‘revelation’ first thing in the morning had thrown her into a bad mood & I felt as though it was directed towards me. I comforted her & told her not to worry. But on she went saying ‘I wouldn’t like her’ because ‘she’s a fatty’. It was all a bit over the top. From what I had seen in photos she didn’t look fat at all.

As the day went on, you couldn’t make it up. It was one thing after another. The Doctor had been in touch to say she had failed her English exams & would probably have to go back to her country for good. My grandmother phoned me to say she wasn’t settling in to the care home she had moved in to recently. A few things at work had backfired on me in terms of the accounts I manage, & after messaging him back in October, my real biological father decided to respond by telling me I needed a serious sit down with my mother as he wasn’t my dad.

Regardless, none of this killed my enthusiasm for the date. We met the following day, me travelling ninety minutes to meet her. She was twenty minutes away by car & arrived forty five minutes late. This already pissed me off. I don’t like being kept waiting at the best of times but especially so on a first date when trying to give a good impression & furthermore given I had already travelled relatively far.

On arrival she was quite clearly nervous. But the person who sat down opposite me was certainly not the person I had been speaking to for the previous two weeks. She was tense, on edge, couldn’t take a joke & made several comments regarding my first date etiquette. I asked Blondie what she meant by this & her response instantly turned me off. ‘You know the rules of this game. You should be respectful & treat me like a princess’. She went on; ‘After being hurt badly before, I won’t settle for anything less than being treated like a princess. It’s the least I deserve’. Despite being highly irritated by this attitude, I responded in a relaxed manner, telling her to ‘chill’ & be herself.

But in truth, that outburst had already made the decision for me. I could see this wasn’t the person I would want to be with. Sorry Blondie, but I am looking for my queen. But as I was there, I decided to have a bit of fun & see what would materialise. I excused myself to the bathroom. I saw she had messaged me by text saying ‘please don’t hate me’ with a winking emoticon.

Upon my return, I apologised for my jokes (jokes that in the weeks prior were quite acceptable over message or phone) & assured her that I didn’t hate her. She then immediately resumed her entitled demeanor by telling me I had ‘all of the lines over text but not in person’ & threatened how she was close to going home, despite only having been sat down ten minutes. The previous morning she had been telling me she couldn’t wait to see me so she could kiss me & give me a big hug. On arrival, she said she had changed her mind about this due to the mysterious ‘first date etiquette’ she repeatedly referred to.

However, she did seem to accept my forced apology & when we left the cafe we were in, I decided to try holding her hand to see what reaction it got. She held mine willingly, so I stretched to putting my arm around her & daringly giving her a kiss on the head. I could barely stifle my laughing, as she began screaming at me, telling me she had just told me she didn’t want this & that I had not listened to her. I had been but was beginning to feel duped. Where had this confident, independent woman I had been chatting with disappeared?

We got to a restaurant & sat down. Again, she raised her imaginary issues about my etiquette again. I ordered a beer & her a soft drink, but when the waiter went to get our drinks I couldn’t take anymore. ‘I’m going to be honest’ I said. ‘I feel really disappointed. You have been a great laugh all week & I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you. But the person you have been today is not the person I have been speaking to over these last days’.

She looked shell-shocked. Her response was pure gold; ‘I am me. But over a phone, it gives me a comfort blanket where I can hide. It’s easier to talk that way than in person. However, this is our first date and I expect a certain kind of treatment’. ‘A certain kind of treatment?’ I replied. ‘You have pretended to be someone you haven’t been for two weeks. I’ve been nothing more than myself. You arrive late & then start calling the shots about how you wish to be treated, & I’m supposed to just jump through hoops because that is what you apparently deserve? I think you should just go home’.

With that, Blondie got up, called me a ‘fucking cock’ & left the restaurant. She had blocked me on her phone before she had got two steps out the door. I paid the waiter for our drinks & went to a nearby pub to watch the football. I actually felt the most content & happy I had been all day.

In terms of the date, I felt like had been duped. Why pretend to be someone you are not?

Once, I had bought a pair of premium brand headphones made famous by a certain hip hop icon. The packaging was superb, the product looked good & it made big claims of bass & studio quality sound. Barely able to wait, I plugged them in & gave them a listen as soon as I got home. The sound was terrible. They looked good, were highly fashionable at the time but the most important part, the sound, was a real let down. I had conceded to the hype, branding & been lied to, just to part with my money.

With princess Blondie, I saw right through it before I had even opened the packaging. She certainly wasn’t fat either. Nicely curvy. I would have happily gone all the way through those hoops, had she not sold me a false version of herself.

As it stands, I am having some downtime from dating for the foreseeable. Well, that’s the intention. But whenever I lay low, that is usually when the best things seem to materialise out of nowhere. Watch this space…

~ Zan

Zan Dates: #7 The Doctor & The Waitress (Pt .2)

Zan finally starting to appreciate the delights the world has to offer...

Zan finally starting to appreciate the delights the world has to offer. Hot foreign doctors ahoy!

Whilst the Waitress was in America, we maintained contact as best as we could. My liaisons with the Doctor aside, I did miss talking to her & was becoming very fond of her. We had arranged a dirty weekend the week after she returned. The sexual tension was unbearable at times. We spent a lot of time discussing what turned each of us on & I expected it to be a fantastic weekend.

Everything seemed a little too perfect for me. The almost instant communication after speaking to her friend, the way we clicked, the fact I could be so open with no judgement & that we talked about the future together, genuinely excited me & frightened me in equal measure.

I was beginning to build reservations about everything due to my experience with Thorn. I know the cycle; over-evaluate, devaluate & discard. So I promised myself that if I felt too uncomfortable, I would cut it short.We teased each other sexually all week leading up to our rendezvous.

On the day of our meeting, it was virtually one disaster after another. Things went wrong at home. The journey was a nightmare. By the time I arrived, I was stressed & in dire need of sustenance. We grabbed a quick bite to eat & went for a drink to steady our nerves. We then headed to the hotel. On arrival, there was a man in our hotel room repairing the window & it briefly killed the sexual tension for me. When he finally left, we were all over each other.

What followed was an afternoon of great sex, lots of mutual pleasuring & a fair amount of new experiences. I hoped that after her eleven year wait, I had not been a disappointment to her & I don’t think I was. I fell asleep for a while & when I awoke, we got showered before going out to dinner.

Due to her experiences with a narcissist, I was keen to discuss mine & see what I could learn from her. In hindsight, this was a bad move. At the time, I don’t think it bothered her but it took the focus off of us & I realise now I then was slowly bringing an elephant into the room. This was not my intention. I was still going through a phase of figuring things out from the past & I am sad to say I burdened her with it. At the time, it didn’t appear to be an issue. But the next day it became one.

The Waitress woke before me the next day as she had to go to work. She dropped me off at the nearby station & we had arranged that she would come to my place after work when she’d finished.

But after she left, I felt that morning as though something had changed in me. Something didn’t feel right & I couldn’t put my finger on what. After further introspection as I made my way home, I realised what was bugging me was the memories of Thorn. Of course, she was long gone. Although I had talked about her those previous few days, I had felt nothing. Suddenly that morning, I was feeling everything. I hadn’t felt like this with the Doctor, so why I was feeling it now?

This brings us back to the start of my post in part one of Zan Dates #7; the news I received about my friends baby & my period of reflection on the train. Had I changed? Or was it something to do with the Waitress? Something simply did not feel right with me.

As planned, the Waitress arrived at my house that evening. We watched a movie, which as followed by some more outstanding sex. Halfway through, I pulled my condom off & threw it on the bed. After we finished, I noticed blood on the condom.

I was aware that the ex of the Waitress had been violent towards her & did some damage to her, that she never fully explained to me. I had assumed she had just come on to her period & neglected to tell me. But what was bugging me was whether or not certain things she told me were true.

Previously when we were talking, she told me her ex was now with another woman & they had a child together. She couldn’t imagine him being all settled down & being in a happy family. Neither could I when she had described what he was like, but for some reason something she said during that discussion rang alarm bells with me.

She’d said at one point; when some people become obsessed & can’t let go, they’ll do anything when pushed. She always said he had leverage over her for whatever reason, but would never specify what. It took me right back to what I went through with Thorn. I had loads of information on her that I could use against her if I so chose. But I knew my reaction would’ve given her great satisfaction. I wondered if this was the same situation between the Waitress & her ex.

The next morning I laid it on thick about being still emotionally attached to Thorn. My intention was not to push the waitress away but to take things slower so I could get my head straight. It back fired considerably. The Waitress was fine with me at the time. But upon returning home she messaged me to say she felt like she was on a comedown from the highs of the weekend.

‘This was it’, I thought. Here we go. Narcissistic people experience severe highs when they get their fix of whatever it is they are trying to obtain, & experience severe lows when it is over. I myself was feeling nothing at this point, except apprehension & doing a lot of thinking. To distract myself, I went out to watch some bands & went straight to bed when I got home.

The next day, I awoke to text messages accusing me of being a player & that she felt I had ‘done a number’ on her. Ironically, I was feeling the same. I hadn’t actually played her at all. I was totally open about everything, bar my liaisons with the Doctor. I was single & it wasn’t her business. If she would have asked, I would have told her.

Over the next few days we tried to stay friends, but my suspicions went into overload & we ultimately parted on bad terms. I accused her of being a narcissist. She accused me of needing help. I was told I was nothing more than someone she just spoke to, despite her admitting on several occasions she saw her future with me. Whatever happened, whatever she was thinking, she may have had a point. But all I saw were the classic traits of a narcissist, followed by this current discarding of me. It was a sad end but now I feel numb to it. I don’t feel anything bad or good towards her. It’s like it never happened.

I felt as though I needed to repair my situation with the doctor. I felt terrible about the way things were after our fallout. My issues were not aimed at her & in truth, they were aimed at Thorn. I’d somehow projected these onto her. We had resumed speaking terms though & had arranged to meet.

Prior to our meeting & with conversations back on track, I laid it on the line about how I felt. I told how she made me happy, how I loved her company & that if she felt the same, perhaps we could see each other more often & see how things developed. I never got a reply. This didn’t surprise me. She had a tendency to ignore serious messages & I knew she would rather talk face to face. I met her for a drink & the evening started fairly casually. We discussed her exams, what she had been up to recently & kept it light hearted. But I could tell what she really wanted to discuss was my supposedly passive/aggressive text messages. We soon got on to that subject.

She laid it on very thick & said I accused her of things. When I asked her to point out exactly what I had accused her of, she couldn’t find a single message from me accusing her of anything. There was just one message which I felt bad for. It said that I couldn’t have serious conversations with her. That whenever I tried, she changed the subject & wouldn’t allow me the chance to get to know her properly. It seemed she hadn’t understood what I’d meant.

What we had going on here was a language barrier. When reading my messages back with her, it struck me that they were not that bad. Just very direct & she admitted she was in fact, overreacting a little bit. She was stressed out about her exams & the way she felt certain examiners were treating her. But her main gripe with me were my cancellations with her. I suspected why. She told me that she did not want to date me anymore. That she couldn’t forgive me for the way I spoke to her & that my last cancelling on her had disrupted her entire weekend.

It was now clear to me what was happening. Her carefree attitude to things prior to our fallout & her attitude now indicated one of two possible things. Either she had another guy she could have seen that night, or she had developed feelings for me & was genuinely let down. I suspected it was a bit of both. But after again reading back the messages with her, I maintained my stance that they were not that bad. Just one was out of turn & it was my frustration aimed at the wrong person. I explained this to her & she demanded the full story of why I would speak to someone like that.

After a pause, she got the full works. Everything. Thorn. The Waitress. My state of mind. The lot. For some reason I just snapped & let it all out. Each little bit I told her encouraged more questions & I wasn’t holding anything back anymore. Open, honest & likely to my own detriment. The more I spoke, the more emotional I became. I expected her to run, or to react like the Waitress did, telling me I needed help.

She didn’t say anything. She just listened & only spoke when it was a question.

When there was nothing left to tell, she gave me a massive hug, a kiss on the cheek & told me to stop fucking around. ‘Fuck these bitches’ were her exact words, followed by ‘you are an incredible guy & you are really strong. Never let these people get the better of you again’. It was an unprecedented reaction.

We went outside for a cigarette & she hugged me tightly. We had a kiss, got on our bikes & rode through the city centre together. We needed to go in different directions & when the time came to part ways, we stopped, kissed again & then went on our separate ways.

We still speak every couple of days & have planned dinner together in the next week or so. I’ve found a very good friend in her & I trust her because at the end of the day, her care for me is genuine. It was exactly what I needed. For some reason, she managed to switch the washing machine that my thoughts resembled completely off. Speaking to her cleared everything out of me. I can’t even tell you why. It was possibly just the fact that she listened. She didn’t advise, didn’t tell me to sort myself out or how I needed professional help, & gave me no encouragement in moving forward.

She just listened. She told me something, that for once, actually went in & stayed there. That I was strong.

So there you have it. Recovery. Stability. Progress. And at the time of writing, it’s not even summer yet…

~ Zan

Zan Dates: #7 The Doctor & The Waitress (Pt .1)

Serve me up some of dat ass... [picture credit to Akemin]

The Waitress & Zan [picture credit to Akemin]

Four months in & 2016 is becoming the year for change. As a host of legendary & talented stars endlessly kick the bucket, it’s made me realise that our time here is truly limited. If I am to live to the same age as these people who have recently passed, then I am roughly halfway through my life expectancy. Some of us though, do not even get this gift of life. One of my closest friends who has stood by me through all my escapades with women, work, money & my previously mentioned substance abuse problems had recently lost her baby. When she told me, I was on a train back to my hometown from a filthy weekend in a budget chain hotel with the Waitress, feeling a horrible mixture of post orgasm depression & emotional torture. My friend & her husband have been trying for a baby for two to three years. It meant so much to them since the first day they got married. The news brought tears to my eyes & broke my heart.

On the train were a group of middle aged men, fired up on cheap supermarket lager on their way to a day at the horse racing. They were noisy & foul mouthed in front of children, & generally driving me insane. The train was packed too, so  there was nowhere to sit. I had to stand for the short twenty minute journey but it contributed to the irritation.

Taking a deep breath, I began to reflect. I was four months into the year & five months past the day that a severe change began within me. What had I accomplished since then?

Firstly, I had recovered. I had picked up the pieces of myself from emotional & mental abuse, educated myself on what had happened & had used the experience to better my relations with the opposite sex. As it stands, this year I have a one hundred percent conversion rate since that fateful day with Thorn, at turning first dates into either second date sex, or my ultimate goal; first date sex. Thank you Thorn, you have made me stunningly prolific.

Secondly, stability. My moods are balancing out. There have been hiccups & usually at the most inopportune times, but overall I am beginning to find inner peace. I do not give myself enough credit for this. The events of last year still feel like yesterday in my mind but my heart is moving on. I even recently discovered that Thorn has a new partner & although the news set me back, I have not reacted in the way I thought I would. Good luck to her, I hope she finds happiness. Good luck to him too. By God, he will need it.

Third, progress. Now, I am not otherwise distracted by too many personal issues & as a result, my professional life is looking up. I have been headhunted for a role, but things work slow where I am & funding for the role is an issue. But I’ve been assured the job is mine when it is.

I have also managed to join a pool league, which will open up quite a few doors socially & this includes new encounters with women. In a month, I begin a rather brutal, martial arts based training regime. Plans are in place & I can see myself being a completely different person this time next year. I have even started writing a book. Although I have scrapped two ideas, I am now on my third attempt as I feel better placed to get what I want down on paper.

‘Zan!’ I hear you scream. ‘This is a dating piece! Stop telling us about your mental well-being & get to the smut!’.

Alright… The above is important though. Because two certain people have had a massive effect on my moving on & my new found enjoyment of life. It’s no secret to my friends I required some faith in women being restored, & the Doctor & the Waitress played a huge part in this. Their paths crossed my life simultaneously but I will begin with the Waitress.

I first spotted her in the nuclear wasteland also known as Tinder. Her photo blew me away & I spotted we had a common connection who was a colleague of mine. As we didn’t match, I asked our mutual friend to try & set us up. She didn’t disappoint. I was messaged on Facebook & we began talking. We added each other as friends, swapped numbers & things progressed well. She mentioned she had also been involved with a narcissist eleven years ago & hadn’t been with anyone since. Not even sexually. The more we spoke, the more we found we had in common we had, & her experiences of her past left me feeling comfortable enough to discuss my own. It opened old wounds, but for once I felt safe discussing it & felt that opening up boded well for more than just a one off encounter. I wanted her to know I was interested in more than a quick bang & as time went on, that was very much the case. Emotions opened up between us as thing progressed & it left me a little uneasy. In the beginning, we clicked. Emotionally, personally & later, sexually. It took a lot of patience on my part as she wanted me to wait for sex. We phoned each other every day, video phoned, text messaged & really started to build something I felt could go somewhere.

But we were not attached. A few weeks in, we had our first date & it went really well. We had dinner out, drinks & when I walked her to the station, we kissed as she left. I couldn’t wait to see her again. It would be three weeks until I did though. She was going to America for her fortieth birthday & it felt like a lifetime until I did see her again.

Four days after she departed, I met some friends for a post work Friday drink. Rarebit & I were there with a couple of other people & for once, I was having the time of my life.

Enter the Doctor.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted this dark haired, olive skinned beauty. She was tiny but curvy in all the right places & had the body of a model. She had this beaming smile that stood out from everyone else in the vicinity. She was a research doctor at the local hospital; over from Turkey for a temporary position, until she acquired the necessary English exams to stay & work full time. I initiated conversation & we got speaking about her friends dog who was causing mischief with the pub cats. After that, it’s all a bit of a blur. I have no idea what we spoke about, but the conversation flowed & despite three separate attempts by her friend to cock block me, we began kissing. Passionately. So passionate in fact, that the landlord (a friend of mine) actually had to separate us as we were one step short of fucking in the pub garden. This was one passionate woman & after planning our escape (essentially making everyone believe we had left separately, especially her cock block friend), we resumed our physical attraction back at her place.

She dragged me out to the garden as she seemed to love outdoor sex. We then fucked in her kitchen, nearly got busted & then ended up in her room pleasuring each other in every way possible. She was so small that at one point, I picked her up in my arms & began fucking her up against the wall. I was later told that her housemate heard everything. Incidentally, I met said housemate a few weeks later & she was practically fucking me with her eyes the entire conversation so whatever she heard, she must have approved of it.

A few days later, we met up for lunch & it was more of the same. We simply couldn’t keep our hands off of each other & despite that I had made plans to meet with Rarebit for drinks, pool, banter & music later in the day, I decided to bring her along. She had her hands in my trousers in the alleyway outside whilst we shared a cigarette & when Rarebit joined us to smoke, I put my hand down the back of her skirt & began to play with her. Her moans gave the game away to Rarebit who soon cottoned on to what I was doing but simply didn’t care. He later told me he was just happy to see me enjoying myself again.

I was. I was having the time of my life. The doctor visited my house several times & we watched films, had ridiculous amounts of sex & most importantly, shared something I haven’t experienced with a woman for a long time. LAUGHS!! I was actually laughing!! We shared a similar stupid sense of humour & were always teasing each other. There was not one serious conversation to be had & I was loving every minute of it.

Suddenly one day though, my mood plummeted. The flashbacks of last year began again & so did the nightmares.

During my time with the Doctor, I had still maintained contact with the Waitress. We spoke whenever we could & it was actually a relief when she returned from the US, as despite having a great time with the Doctor, I still pined for the Waitress. She seemed the more worthwhile long-term option & my view was that my experiences with the Doctor were one last blow out, before perhaps starting something serious with the Waitress.

The Doctor also had her English exams coming up. Contact with her dropped a little but we also had a fallout. I cancelled an evening invite to my place at the last minute, after I’d spent some time with my parents that had ultimately turned out not to be a good day & general tiredness, along with my mood plummeting. It was a bit much for me & I did not want to be a burden to her happy nature. She didn’t take the cancellation well & it escalated to a big argument. On two previous occasions, I had attempted to reschedule our plans & it seemed the third time was one too many. We didn’t speak for a week which was probably for the best, as I had a weekend with the Waitress coming up & didn’t want to be interrupted…

~ Zan

With Friends Like These…

...I won't be leaving the house.

…I won’t be leaving the house.

Single minded obsession, depression, high on the chase, bitter at the fallout, anger, pain, resentment, guilt, regret & finally, embarrassment. Add a touch of grieving for what was / wasn’t & you have a good summary there of where my head has been at for the last three months, after my experiences with Thorn.

I threw myself straight into obtaining any pussy I could get my hands on. My preference for older women, that I had temporarily put aside during my relationship with Thorn, has resurfaced with reckless abandon. I quite simply adore the older woman. They know what they want & have a compassion gained through life experience. The sheer thrill they get from fucking the shit out of a toyboy is matched only by my own thrills. It’s mutual, we connect & we both gain what we want from it.

I have been seeing two women in their early to mid forties since Thorn & they have been some of the funniest, memorable times I have experienced with women in the last three years. One I am currently seeing is into bondage, candle wax play, veering between submissive & dominant tendencies. More on that in the near future.

Despite taking the first steps towards becoming ‘unjaded’ myself, I in fact find myself very jaded at times. I still am in a vulnerable place due to previously had someone using my every fear & insecurity against me. It’s no surprise to find that I question everything when it comes to human interaction.

I have three solid friends I know I can go to with all the trust in the world, no fear of judgement & all of whom have at least a similar mentality. These being Unjaded, The Spanish Knife & The Hermit (the latter called as such, due to his sage advice, despite generally not choosing to participate in typical life). These are friendships that have been maintained for the best part of twenty years. My recent judgments in terms of the company I generally keep though, was coming into question.

It is the one thing I will give Thorn some credit for. She pointed out certain things regarding my friends that I was loathe to admit at the time. Certain people brought my mood down & at times took my friendship for granted. She didn’t like any of them but my focus at the time was not on them. It was all pulled towards her.

Two of these friends are RarebitMankRarebit became one of my closest friends in my hometown for the last eighteen months. A walking ball of menace, unpredictable moods & a loyalty that stretches to wanting to fuck anyone up that crossed my path. He also likes ale as much as I do.

Mank is a twenty two year old female. A twenty a day smoker, whisky drinker & has a degree in chemistry. In terms of men though, her intelligence is limited. A past of rape, abuse & running away from home brought her in my general direction. We were attracted to each other prior to Thorn but circumstances meant nothing materialised, so I went with Thorn. After the conclusion of that though, Mank made her move.

A night out with both Rarebit & Mank ended up with me going back to Mank’s place. We kissed, began to undress & just before sex seemed like it would happen, she froze up; her issues from her past preventing anything from happening. It wound me up to be honest. Residual anger from my relationship with Thorn exploded out of me towards Mank. I guess she touched a nerve.

My red flag radar was off the charts & later that week, Mank confided to Rarebit what had happened. I could begin to see where was this going. Mank was attempting a triangulation in an attempt to maximise all attention on herself. Recently educated to such behaviour, I decided to play along with the game & see how it panned out.

I played a game of show & tell. Basically showing Mank metaphorically everything, but telling her nothing about my intentions. We went out a few times. I put minimal effort in to gain her interest & did some triangulation of my own. I felt we could keep it a secret from Rarebit as Mank had mentioned her concerns that he appeared interested in her. All bullshit of course. He had never once expressed sexual interest in her, instead taking more of a protective big brother mentality. But I was having issues with Rarebit at this time anyway. His moods were more polarised than usual, him taking advantage of my generosity & generally being a difficult moody cunt. I let some of it slide due to my own ever changing mood swings during my recent experienceswhich he’d experienced first hand.

I had hit a point of no return though. I wasn’t going to let it continue. At times during my relationship with Thorn, I had needed someone to have a stern word with me. Unjaded & The Spanish Knife had done so at times, but then I wasn’t in a place to listen. Rarebit had then used the situation to his advantage, taking what he could & justifying it by proclaiming himself as my friend at my worst time. Things were coming to a head. With Mank & I getting closer, Rarebit getting moodier, & a night out with the three of us coming up it was all set to kick off. And so it did.

An afternoon meet up for food & catch up with Unjaded preceded the events. After catching up on recent conquests, game mentality & general all round business, off we went into the city centre. As we travelled downtown, I mentioned I was meeting up with Rarebit & Mank. His response made me laugh.

‘Why the fuck do you hang around with these guys? They bring your mood down. When you meet up with The Spanish Knife & I, you have a good time & go home happy’.

I laughed on the inside. He was right. I knew it but I had my single minded obsession head on. I wanted going to see how this night panned out. Unjaded headed off to a date & I continued to the pub. Once I arrived, my first action was to intentionally crank up the tension by sticking an endless selection of Pantera & Slayer on the jukebox; angry music to suit my mood. The Spanish Knife also joined us for a few hours but he was in a tired mood & so was very quiet. But this was good. I know how observant he is when he steps back & takes in what goes on around him. I would be interested to know his own thoughts a later day. Eventually he left & the night went predictably pear shaped.

Mank & Rarebit spent most of the evening outside the pub smoking. I was genuinely concerned at this point. I know how volatile Rarebit can be & if Mank was playing with him like she was attempting to with me, then I knew it would be asking for trouble. I went to play some pool with the locals to distract myself temporarily, but I was in poor form with my mind still elsewhere. After losing a game, I stepped out of the pub to find Rarebit on his own. I asked him what was up.

‘I’ve just been telling Mank for the last half an hour that I don’t want to fuck her.’ was his response. He then walked right past me & disappeared to the toilet.

I wandered back in & found Mank being chatted up by another guy. She was clearly loving all of the attention coming her way. I interjected to ask if she was OK. The guy glanced at me & then back to Mank, making a comment about not realising she wasn’t alone. Rarebit returned from the toilet with almost physic timing, saw what was going on & it lit the touch paper. He pushed the guy in the chest & then disappeared, leading to the guy taking his anger out on me. He made a derogatory comment about me & it took a lot for me not to wrap a nearby pool cue around his head. This guy was a typical villager & he wasn’t worth the hassle. Mank had also conveniently disappeared by this point. Once it got vocal between us, another guy stepped in & separated us. The bar staff then refused to serve me so I left.

What followed was some of the most childish behaviour I have ever seen. Three people all with different versions of events. Rarebit was raging uncontrollably, as he had let his volatile temper get the better of him yet again. This wasn’t helped by Mank insisting he had throttled the guy he’d squared up to. He actually hadn’t, but every time I mentioned this to her, Mank interrupted & would not let me finish speaking. Like a child having a temper tantrum, she kept marching off & disappearing for ten minutes at a time when not getting her way. The final time was when the guy that split up the potential fight caught up with us & asked what happened. I told him to ask Mank as she insisted she knew every detail. This angered her & off she went, storming off with Rarebit running after her. I haven’t seen or heard from her since.

A few weeks on, Rarebit & I have again caught up & resolved our issues. I laid it all on the line about his foul moods, including the fact that he took me for granted as a friend & how I felt he was utilising my situation with Thorn to gain what he wanted from our friendship. He first looked like he was going to tear me apart but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Once he calmed down, he admitted he wanted to but he couldn’t. I was right & it would justify my opinions. One or both of them had to go. I decided it had to be her. Since then, we are still friends but  I have kept him at arms length. He does seem to be genuinely trying to turn himself around. I hope it isn’t just lip service.

For me, life is taking off. My confidence is rising again & I becoming stronger than I ever was. Not only am I learning to enjoy my own company again, I’m also enjoying my new found freedom with aplomb. As for Thorn, I still haven’t heard from her but I am on guard. You never know…

~ Zan

Zan Dates: #6 – Every Rose Has A Thorn (Pt .3: Discard)

The end

The end

Continued from Part Two

In terms of the relationship that was, the final end was spread over three days. It began during a video call.

Thorn never liked looking at photos of herself. She didn’t like having photos taken of her, or so she said. On her Facebook profile though, there were quite a few photos of her.

Whenever we talked online, it was unusual for her to look directly at me. Mainly because in the corner of the screen you can see yourself. So this call seemed no different to me. But it was her behaviour & attitude where something seemed off. From the outset, she was almost confrontational in her approach. I decided to not think too much about it. I was missing her company a lot & I couldn’t wait to see her.

Six days later, it was over. The preceding conversation was spread over two hours about why, & what we could figure out for both our futures to be OK, yet still be in touch. Her reasons were no more than everything I had heard before. It was just another devaluation process by her, upon me. Things were said that were designed to still keep me hoping for brighter days, but simultaneously, totally soul destroying. Contradiction after contradiction spilled out of her mouth. I felt like she was going around in circles. My self esteem was completely gone at this point & she was reveling in it, using my every weakness as ammunition against me. It was finalised & the conversation ended.

We maintained contact for approximately four weeks post break up. It made it incredibly hard to move on but in my mind, I loved her & I couldn’t let go of that.

I began to drink incredibly heavily over the Christmas period. A fifteen hour bender resulted in me walking the six mile journey from the city centre to my home whilst talking to myself, feeling suicidal & crying non stop. I had no idea how it had come to this or how I’d got to this point.

At work I arrived late, looked ill & spent most of the days barely functioning. I was hungover at least three days of the week & I was not eating properly. My boss (who happens to be one of the loveliest people I know) began to notice my downward shifting moods. Upon asking if I was OK one day, the floodgates opened & it all came out.

She put me in touch with an employee assistance programme that has got me into counselling sessions on a weekly basis. It has allowed me to understand the sort of girlfriend I had. Soon after we began, my councillor nailed it;

‘Sounds like you were dating a narcissist’.

I had heard the term, & always thought it meant extreme vanity. Someone obsessed with their appearance for example. But my knowledge of this was slim, so I began to read up on it.
The more I read, the more horrified I was. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is the correct term for what I was dealing with. The over evaluating of me in the beginning, learning about my fears by feigning empathy, then using those same fears against me at key moments, when she felt I was becoming less under her control.

The dating sites for attention seeking. The coldness towards her family but then warmth, if it meant attention from me. The constant demands for alone time. She was obsessed with her appearance. Every time she felt I had served my purpose, she discarded me like a piece of trash.

Only three days after my birthday, she was back on the dating sites looking for more narcissistic supply. Someone to fill the void within, now she had parted ways with me. It was all so obvious, now I had the facts behind me. I was still angry though. I had been lied to, cheated on, manipulated & purely used for someone else’s emotional gain. Nothing more, nothing less.

I confronted her about the dating sites & she blocked me on her phone & online. She reported me to the police for being ‘threatening’, with the police being surprisingly understanding after speaking to me. My obviously emotional state, against her cold, calculating demeanour seemed to speak volumes as I discussed it with the police officer over the phone. I had been barred from contacting her & by this point I really didn’t even want to. I wanted her gone & out of my mind.

The finality of everything hit me the day before my birthday. I was feeling emotional & angry, yet still missing her. Codependency is what my counsellor called it. The addictive nature of the rollercoaster ride is what I was missing. But at the time I could not rationalise it.

I felt like I wanted to die.

Three days prior to my birthday, I began saying subtle goodbyes to friends & family. The day before my birthday, Unjaded was next in line, & so I informed him of my intentions.

After an extended period throughout the evening of advising me against it & trying to persuade me otherwise, he told me to do it. He told me he would miss the old me, but not the me I had become. I had become irritating & self absorbed, with no self worth or concern for others. Single minded in my obsession no less. He asked me if I wanted him to do anything on my behalf after I went ahead with it; any final messages or songs to be played at the funeral & so on. He wanted me to make a choice, if it really was as bad as I kept describing.

I had to say I agreed with him about what I had become. I went to sleep that night knowing this would be my last weekend alive.

I awoke on my birthday feeling refreshed. Clean in mind & spirit, & actually looking forward to a day of seeing my family g a few friends. This was unexpected. At this stage, Thorn & I were still in contact. But that day ended up being a really good day. That day alone, gave me hope that there might be light at the end of the tunnel. It all went dark again as the week progressed but I stayed strong. I had good friends behind me. They had supported me throughout the ups & downs of the relationship, & to their credit, all of them at various points told me to leave her.

I simply couldn’t though. I thought I was in love. But it became clear to me, that was not with the person she became as the relationship went on. In the beginning, she could not of been nicer. But after she thought she had secured my love, the mask she wore came off. The emotional & mental abuse I went through behind closed doors was so complex & so chilling at times, I cannot even begin to bring myself to write about it. Even my counsellor was horrified by some of what I told her.

I remember being told by Thorn that she did not like the person I became when I drank alcohol. She felt it showed that I had two sides to my personality. I remember my response vividly. ‘I may have two faces; a sober one & a drunk one, but I have seen so many different faces in you that I do not know who you are sometimes. The one I like most though is the drunk one. You are actually happy and loving’.

This is the version person I choose to remember the most when looking at the relationship in a positive way. We had good memories & some good times. It’s these memories that make it so hard to move on though. When she was nice, it was everything I ever wanted, but in reality it was all a lie. While I was making memories, she was gaining narcissistic supply; just something to make her feel good at that moment in time.

I had often noted she had a terrible memory. She was always forgetting things that she had done or said. Narcissists bury things so deep, they do not remember them. One night after we had been out drinking, she was focusing on some of the people I knew or met whilst we were out. Just drinking buddies & guys I play pool with. I made a point of saying to her that just because she had spent a little time with people she considered ‘upper class’, she thought she was a class above me. I continued & said that at least I maintained relationships & naturally got on with people unlike her. Her response was ‘Yeah, I just travel around the country fucking whoever I like & moving on’. It was a knife through the heart.

By morning, she had forgotten this statement & said that if she did say that, it must have been in response to my attitude.

That’s the way it is with a narcissist. It’s never their fault.

In the time since the breakup, I have swung between either shutting myself off, or going out & having too much fun. I’ve discovered there is such a thing as too much. I have tried dating but I’ve found that apart from sex, I am emotionally closed to anything else. There have been two partners since & I have been open with both about what I have been through & as a result, what exactly I can & can’t give. To both their credit, they have accepted it. We have good sexual relations & they are both good friends of mine who are aware of each other too. I don’t hide anything from them. My relationship with both is one hundred times superior to that what I had with Thorn but somehow, something feels missing. I have become so accustomed to drama that normal relationships bore me. In this aspect, I wonder if I will ever recover.

What comforts me is knowledge. The knowledge that she is out there repeating this cycle with guy after guy. I know no one will ever fill that void. I also know that most people will walk away from a relationship if it does not feel right. I don’t see many sticking around her for too long. I was with her for six to seven months. If what I know of her is true, it’s no surprise to me we were the longest relationship she has ever had.

In terms of myself, it’s the knowledge of knowing what I have been through was not my fault. I hope to become a stronger person for it but it is going to take time. I still get flashbacks of events. Some good, some bad. I can be stood at the sink doing washing up & suddenly feel myself there in the moment, reliving it. Sometimes I feel like I want to die to never feel that again. But killing myself will just give her satisfaction that she won. I have moments where I hate her so badly, I feel I could kill her & then in the blink of an eye, I can be pining for her love I imagined. I’ve never experienced anything like it & I never wish to again.

Writing this post has not come easily. Reliving it is not something I choose to do. But I hope in the future I can share my experiences of getting well & maybe help someone in a similar situation to get through anything like it. You’re never alone.

The biggest feeling I have towards her is pity. She’ll never be happy. Not properly anyway. I also pity the next guy that will go through it. There will be plenty more because that’s how she is built; stuck in a cycle of misery.

As for me, maybe I have just taken the first few steps to being a little touch more Unjaded

~ Zan

Zan Dates: #6 – Every Rose Has A Thorn (Pt .2: Devaluation)

The interim

The interim

Continued from Part One

I was beginning to lose my mind. Something was not right with Thorn. I couldn’t put my finger on it. She was excessively private & always needed time to herself to ‘sort things out’, but yet she always seemed to be on Facebook & doing nothing else. I became convinced she was seeing someone else. The fact I had sex with someone else, as is often the case, also fueled my suspicions. If I could do it out of malice, when that is not my normal behaviour, maybe she could?

I was becoming increasingly paranoid & her hot and cold mood swings added to it. Over time, it chipped away at my self confidence & self respect. One night whilst using her laptop to watch football, she went to the kitchen to make tea. I checked her search history & what I found shook me to the core. She returned unusually quickly & had a look of sheer worry on her face. I played it cool but inside I was seething. What I had found were logins to two online dating sites. They had been accessed just moments after I left her house. Other times, only half hour before I had arrived there.

I felt physically sick.

On top of this, she had also been looking at Facebook profiles of ex boyfriends. She had even been looking at dating site profiles of men in her hometown whilst she was away that week for the interview. This was all that was on her search history. She hadn’t accessed any other websites!

Two days later, everything came out. I had setup a fake profile on this dating site & actually messaged her to see if she would respond. She even considered meeting for a date! Any time I was not with her, she was on the dating sites.. My gut feeling had been completely correct.

I decided to raise it with her. I pretended someone had told me that she was on there & had actually spoken to her. She never explained why she was doing it or that she was sorry. She said she had ‘hidden’ her profile after commencing the relationship with me, but an old flame had got in touch there & she had logged in to see what was going on. I asked her to delete it & she said she would. She never did.

Later that evening, she telephoned me & cowardly finished with me over the phone. I was in tears. She kept saying that she liked me, but she wouldn’t be looking at dating sites if it felt right with me. She was effectively putting the blame on me to ease her own conscience. I simply couldn’t process it. How does someone present the impression that they are one minute ecstatically happy with you, then finish with you? Who looks at online dating profiles when you are happy with your partner? I blamed myself. I didn’t feel good enough for her & I convinced myself it was karma for my betrayal with South African.

The break up lasted a week. She backtracked significantly over the next few days as her cold icy exterior melted away. She began to warm towards me again. Interestingly, four days after the break up, a female friend was visiting my hometown from Prague. We went out together, had drinks & took photos which ended up on social media. With hindsight now, I can picture how Thorn’s mind raced at the prospect of someone she had formed a connection with moving on so quickly. She had seen the photos online, & it wasn’t long until we were back together. Things were going well again.

My trust in her had to be rebuilt though. It was not an easy process & required a lot from us both. I was keen for her to have her own space but within reason. To her credit, she ditched the online dating sites & did appear to be putting the effort into working on our relationship. But it wasn’t long until old habits & moods began to reappear. The relationship was seemingly quite strong generally, but occasionally, it would just inexplicably plummet. I became convinced she was hooked on make up sex. It was really the only time where she properly let go & fucked my brains out. Her mood swings also seemed to coincide with her monthly cycle. After she said something quite spiteful during an argument, I hit back that she turned into a complete bitch when it was her time of the month. Her response was ‘but that’s not me’ – a poor excuse. She was quite upset that I thought so low of her.

My opinion of her was not low. I always treated her well despite my sometimes paranoid moments. I was always buying us good food to eat for dinner. I surprised her with flowers, took her out for meals & helped her emotionally with a wide variety of family problems.

We were due to to visit her family in her hometown together & her apparent embarrassment at her family home along with the bizarre traits of her family brought about a second break up. This time, she ended it by text message. I mentioned if she actually respected me at all, she could of at least ended it by calling me at the very least. Her typically offloading response was ‘What difference does it make?’. I called her a coward & she pleaded with me to hate her. I couldn’t though. I simply could not bring myself to hate her.

Her family set up was indeed a little bit strange. On the outside, it was a broken home. Her mother had never recovered from the divorce to Thorn’s father. He was a wealthy pilot that had cheated on her mother & abandoned them to set up a new family with the other woman. Her younger brother was always out of work & generally regarded as a spoilt simpleton, by Thorn & her older sister. Her older sister had also been through a break up recently & was trying to pull herself together. The family home was rundown through neglect & needed a lot of work doing. Again with the benefit of hindsight, there are mental health problems within the family. Depression caused by trauma of some kind.

I could tell that me visiting with her was stressing her out & the second break up came as no surprise. I had turned a blind eye to a lot of Thorn’s outbursts as her stress levels grew.

A combination of verbal & physical outbursts included, but were not limited to the following;

  • After performing a full body massage and oral sex on her, she simply turned her back on me & refused to have sex with me because she was ‘not in the mood’.
  • Labelled me sexually unattractive & used this as a constant reminder of how she doubted our relationship could work.
  • Made constant criticisms of my financial situation & made no effort to empathise why I couldn’t afford to plan spontaneous holidays when I had been studying for the previous two years.
  • On the day of her birthday, I made a big effort for her in terms of surprises & preparing her a romantic dinner (despite my financial situation). She mentioned to her sister that despite my efforts, it was not enough as not enough money was spent.
  • Flirted directly in front of me with one of my work colleagues, who also happened to be a close friend of one of her ex boyfriends. It took all my will to not smash the shit out of the pair of them.

For some reason, all of this (on top of what happened historically) was still not enough to stop me from fighting for her. My self esteem at this point was almost zero, & it was no surprise that less than a week later, once again we did indeed get back together again, & again were on our way to her hometown to visit her family.

Almost unexpectedly by this point, we had a great time. It was fantastic to get away, put our troubles behind us & make a totally clean start of everything. She did have the odd run in with her family but I was there & backed her through all of it.

On our return, the relationship blossomed further. It was like being with a completely different person. She was energised, loving, caring & exactly the person I imagined spending the rest of my life with. Things had never been better. This continued for five weeks & on her final weekend with me, we had a great time.

Always one to keep things private, she let on to our colleagues that we were an item. She also let slip that we would be visiting each other as much as possible & that she saw her future with me. I did my best to not get carried away with it. But the things we had discussed became dreams of mine. I wanted the same things she did & I wanted to have that future with her. We had a really romantic last weekend together, albeit not perfect. She had a lot of packing to do but we fitted in what we could. We said our goodbyes for at least four weeks & went our separate ways.

We kept in touch daily. We planned our Christmas together & the logistics of visiting at holiday time. After the second week since she’d departed, she began to ignore phone calls & not reply to texts for hours on end. This was totally unlike her. Even when she was busy, she would normally text or call to say she would talk later. This was common, even at our lowest moments. I could sense it building, but nothing could of prepared me for the cold hearted nature of what was to follow…

~ Zan

Continued in Part Three!