Zan finally starting to appreciate the delights the world has to offer. Hot foreign doctors ahoy!
Whilst the Waitress was in America, we maintained contact as best as we could. My liaisons with the Doctor aside, I did miss talking to her & was becoming very fond of her. We had arranged a dirty weekend the week after she returned. The sexual tension was unbearable at times. We spent a lot of time discussing what turned each of us on & I expected it to be a fantastic weekend.
Everything seemed a little too perfect for me. The almost instant communication after speaking to her friend, the way we clicked, the fact I could be so open with no judgement & that we talked about the future together, genuinely excited me & frightened me in equal measure.
I was beginning to build reservations about everything due to my experience with Thorn. I know the cycle; over-evaluate, devaluate & discard. So I promised myself that if I felt too uncomfortable, I would cut it short.We teased each other sexually all week leading up to our rendezvous.
On the day of our meeting, it was virtually one disaster after another. Things went wrong at home. The journey was a nightmare. By the time I arrived, I was stressed & in dire need of sustenance. We grabbed a quick bite to eat & went for a drink to steady our nerves. We then headed to the hotel. On arrival, there was a man in our hotel room repairing the window & it briefly killed the sexual tension for me. When he finally left, we were all over each other.
What followed was an afternoon of great sex, lots of mutual pleasuring & a fair amount of new experiences. I hoped that after her eleven year wait, I had not been a disappointment to her & I don’t think I was. I fell asleep for a while & when I awoke, we got showered before going out to dinner.
Due to her experiences with a narcissist, I was keen to discuss mine & see what I could learn from her. In hindsight, this was a bad move. At the time, I don’t think it bothered her but it took the focus off of us & I realise now I then was slowly bringing an elephant into the room. This was not my intention. I was still going through a phase of figuring things out from the past & I am sad to say I burdened her with it. At the time, it didn’t appear to be an issue. But the next day it became one.
The Waitress woke before me the next day as she had to go to work. She dropped me off at the nearby station & we had arranged that she would come to my place after work when she’d finished.
But after she left, I felt that morning as though something had changed in me. Something didn’t feel right & I couldn’t put my finger on what. After further introspection as I made my way home, I realised what was bugging me was the memories of Thorn. Of course, she was long gone. Although I had talked about her those previous few days, I had felt nothing. Suddenly that morning, I was feeling everything. I hadn’t felt like this with the Doctor, so why I was feeling it now?
This brings us back to the start of my post in part one of Zan Dates #7; the news I received about my friends baby & my period of reflection on the train. Had I changed? Or was it something to do with the Waitress? Something simply did not feel right with me.
As planned, the Waitress arrived at my house that evening. We watched a movie, which as followed by some more outstanding sex. Halfway through, I pulled my condom off & threw it on the bed. After we finished, I noticed blood on the condom.
I was aware that the ex of the Waitress had been violent towards her & did some damage to her, that she never fully explained to me. I had assumed she had just come on to her period & neglected to tell me. But what was bugging me was whether or not certain things she told me were true.
Previously when we were talking, she told me her ex was now with another woman & they had a child together. She couldn’t imagine him being all settled down & being in a happy family. Neither could I when she had described what he was like, but for some reason something she said during that discussion rang alarm bells with me.
She’d said at one point; when some people become obsessed & can’t let go, they’ll do anything when pushed. She always said he had leverage over her for whatever reason, but would never specify what. It took me right back to what I went through with Thorn. I had loads of information on her that I could use against her if I so chose. But I knew my reaction would’ve given her great satisfaction. I wondered if this was the same situation between the Waitress & her ex.
The next morning I laid it on thick about being still emotionally attached to Thorn. My intention was not to push the waitress away but to take things slower so I could get my head straight. It back fired considerably. The Waitress was fine with me at the time. But upon returning home she messaged me to say she felt like she was on a comedown from the highs of the weekend.
‘This was it’, I thought. Here we go. Narcissistic people experience severe highs when they get their fix of whatever it is they are trying to obtain, & experience severe lows when it is over. I myself was feeling nothing at this point, except apprehension & doing a lot of thinking. To distract myself, I went out to watch some bands & went straight to bed when I got home.
The next day, I awoke to text messages accusing me of being a player & that she felt I had ‘done a number’ on her. Ironically, I was feeling the same. I hadn’t actually played her at all. I was totally open about everything, bar my liaisons with the Doctor. I was single & it wasn’t her business. If she would have asked, I would have told her.
Over the next few days we tried to stay friends, but my suspicions went into overload & we ultimately parted on bad terms. I accused her of being a narcissist. She accused me of needing help. I was told I was nothing more than someone she just spoke to, despite her admitting on several occasions she saw her future with me. Whatever happened, whatever she was thinking, she may have had a point. But all I saw were the classic traits of a narcissist, followed by this current discarding of me. It was a sad end but now I feel numb to it. I don’t feel anything bad or good towards her. It’s like it never happened.
I felt as though I needed to repair my situation with the doctor. I felt terrible about the way things were after our fallout. My issues were not aimed at her & in truth, they were aimed at Thorn. I’d somehow projected these onto her. We had resumed speaking terms though & had arranged to meet.
Prior to our meeting & with conversations back on track, I laid it on the line about how I felt. I told how she made me happy, how I loved her company & that if she felt the same, perhaps we could see each other more often & see how things developed. I never got a reply. This didn’t surprise me. She had a tendency to ignore serious messages & I knew she would rather talk face to face. I met her for a drink & the evening started fairly casually. We discussed her exams, what she had been up to recently & kept it light hearted. But I could tell what she really wanted to discuss was my supposedly passive/aggressive text messages. We soon got on to that subject.
She laid it on very thick & said I accused her of things. When I asked her to point out exactly what I had accused her of, she couldn’t find a single message from me accusing her of anything. There was just one message which I felt bad for. It said that I couldn’t have serious conversations with her. That whenever I tried, she changed the subject & wouldn’t allow me the chance to get to know her properly. It seemed she hadn’t understood what I’d meant.
What we had going on here was a language barrier. When reading my messages back with her, it struck me that they were not that bad. Just very direct & she admitted she was in fact, overreacting a little bit. She was stressed out about her exams & the way she felt certain examiners were treating her. But her main gripe with me were my cancellations with her. I suspected why. She told me that she did not want to date me anymore. That she couldn’t forgive me for the way I spoke to her & that my last cancelling on her had disrupted her entire weekend.
It was now clear to me what was happening. Her carefree attitude to things prior to our fallout & her attitude now indicated one of two possible things. Either she had another guy she could have seen that night, or she had developed feelings for me & was genuinely let down. I suspected it was a bit of both. But after again reading back the messages with her, I maintained my stance that they were not that bad. Just one was out of turn & it was my frustration aimed at the wrong person. I explained this to her & she demanded the full story of why I would speak to someone like that.
After a pause, she got the full works. Everything. Thorn. The Waitress. My state of mind. The lot. For some reason I just snapped & let it all out. Each little bit I told her encouraged more questions & I wasn’t holding anything back anymore. Open, honest & likely to my own detriment. The more I spoke, the more emotional I became. I expected her to run, or to react like the Waitress did, telling me I needed help.
She didn’t say anything. She just listened & only spoke when it was a question.
When there was nothing left to tell, she gave me a massive hug, a kiss on the cheek & told me to stop fucking around. ‘Fuck these bitches’ were her exact words, followed by ‘you are an incredible guy & you are really strong. Never let these people get the better of you again’. It was an unprecedented reaction.
We went outside for a cigarette & she hugged me tightly. We had a kiss, got on our bikes & rode through the city centre together. We needed to go in different directions & when the time came to part ways, we stopped, kissed again & then went on our separate ways.
We still speak every couple of days & have planned dinner together in the next week or so. I’ve found a very good friend in her & I trust her because at the end of the day, her care for me is genuine. It was exactly what I needed. For some reason, she managed to switch the washing machine that my thoughts resembled completely off. Speaking to her cleared everything out of me. I can’t even tell you why. It was possibly just the fact that she listened. She didn’t advise, didn’t tell me to sort myself out or how I needed professional help, & gave me no encouragement in moving forward.
She just listened. She told me something, that for once, actually went in & stayed there. That I was strong.
So there you have it. Recovery. Stability. Progress. And at the time of writing, it’s not even summer yet…